A Far Cry from Déjà Vu
by HymnOfShadows
Summary: She did whatever it took to get the job done, no matter the sacrifice. Now facing the end, she regrets all the things she never did. With a heavy heart she takes the plunge only to find herself back at the beginning. Was it all a severe case of déjà vu? Or perhaps a vivid dream? In any case, Shepard now has a chance to make things different...if she so desired.
1. In The End

Disclaimer: I don't own the Mass Effect trilogy, they belong to Bioware. I don't own the characters either, I just like playing with them and putting them in awkward situations sometimes.

* * *

**In The End**

_~I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter…~_

_-Linkin Park_

Her head pounded as she slowly staggered up one of the ramps. She had to stop a moment and catch her breath. Coughing and wincing from her injuries, she slowly pressed forward; she wasn't sure this was the right choice. Perhaps because it was his choice, a man whom she neither cared to know nor gave the time to understand…not that The Illusive Man was too forthcoming about himself.

_Smug…bas-bastard…_

A sardonic chuckle escaped her lips followed quickly by a wheezing cough and she had to stop again. Her hand clenched tightly over her side; a feeble attempt to keep pressure on a wound too far gone to mend. Looking forward, her blurring steely gray eyes focused on the station in front of her, a soft light-blue glow emanated from the control nodes.

"H-hope the bastard's h-happy…" she let out another bout of coughing before struggling to move her feet again. "I'm gr-granting him h-his wish."

Though the distance between her and the control module was short, in her current condition it felt like a life long journey. One she honestly didn't want to make, but she didn't want her choice of allowing the Geth to live, and all the damned trouble that came with it, to be in vain. As much as she believed the Reapers deserved destruction, she was far too proud to allow the Geth to die now.

Panting, she stopped to catch her breath again.

_Almost th-there…_

She felt a warm liquid running down her cheek; her hand dropped the weapon it had been clutching since arriving on the Citadel and slowly lifted to check to see what was bleeding now. To her surprise she found herself crying. Quickly wiping her eyes, wincing slightly as her hand grazed the bruises and cuts on her face, she looked forward again. She knew the tears were for her fallen comrades, not because they had died but because she hadn't bothered to get to know them beforehand. As with everyone, she distanced herself from them and now…at the end of her life she regretted not taking the time to be there for them.

_P-perhaps I…should've paid more a-attention to them…instead of ru-rushing all those missions…_

She had been so distracted by her thoughts that she bumped into the module causing her to draw in a sharp breath and curse mildly to herself, she then looked at the nodes before her.

_Finally…I-I can end this…_

Her hands slowly reached out to the nodes. The instant one hand made contact electricity shot through her body. The pain brought her to her knees but she managed to grasp the other node and held on as tightly as she could.

_Do I h-have to clear my mi-mind or s-something? Wh-where are some instructions when you nee-need them?_

She gave a strangled chuckle before biting down hard on her lip determined not to cry out from the pain, and tried to clear her mind of all the regrets she possessed…however they wouldn't leave her be. Soon the faces of those she had watched die invaded her mind: Legion shutting down, a falling Tali, Anderson's last words, the elevator going up with Mordin inside, Garrus on the ground in a pool of his own blood Liara not far from him, Thane lying in a hospital bed, Miranda dying in her arms, pulling the trigger on Wrex, Zaeed bleeding out, Samara's sacrifice for the crew, the last view of Virmire with Ashley still planet-side, shooting the Illusive man, Toombs, Koris, the Quarians, Conrad, Eve, Victus, the Krogan's future, Protheans, planets, brothers and sisters in arms, the child in the vent…

All of the thoughts and images flooded her mind and she quickly closed her eyes trying to block them, but soon the memories grew blurred then everything became a brilliant white. The pain was gone and she felt herself disperse.

"Comman-"

A garbled voice began to ring out in the vast blinding white.

"Dr-...be alright?"

She felt the urge to move, to look around, but she saw nothing.

"Dr. Cha-...think-...up."

Forcing herself to move, she opened her eyes.

**~ x ~**

"Dr. Chakwas, I think she's waking up."

"So I see, Lieutenant Alenko." Slowly the doctor walked over to her side and helped her sit up. "Steady now."

"Wh-what happened?" She peered at the two feeling a bead of sweat roll down her temple.

_Was it all a dream?_

"I'm sorry, Commander Shepard, I must have activated some security mechanism when I got too close to the beacon, ma'am."

"Don't worry about it Lieutenan- wait," the Commander gave him a confused look. "What beacon?"

"Th-the beacon down on Eden Prime, ma'am." Kaidan gave Chakwas a worried glance; she, in turn, immediately looked over several charts.

_Eden Prime? But that happened years ago…_

Shepard bowed her head attempting to process what was happening. Slowly she rubbed her brow trying to sort it all out. When she looked up to gaze at the two concerned crew members she jolted back at the sight she saw.

_M-my hand?!_

She stared at it, eyes wide with shock. The thoughts in her head racing a million miles an hour, she bolted from the bed and pushed Kaidan aside to get to a mirror in the back room. Gazing upon her reflection her mouth opened wide in silent horror.

"Commander?" Both Chakwas and Kaidan, who had followed her into the room, were now more concerned than ever before.

Shepard began to tremble as she stared; a woman, whose emerald green eyes revealed they were just as shocked as she, stared back.

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Author's Note: Well I hope this goes over well, and I hope you enjoyed it. And remember reviews and critiques are always welcome :D


	2. Wide Awake

Disclaimer: I do not own Mass effect in any way, shape, or form. We all know that Bioware owns it...and that EA rules ove- owns...I meant owns...yeah

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**Wide Awake**

_~I wish I knew then what I know now; wouldn't dive in wouldn't bow down…~_

_-Katy Perry_

Shepard had stumbled back into Dr. Chakwas and passed out over an hour ago.

Now Kaidan was leaning against the wall watching his commanding officer with worry quite plain in his eyes. Captain Anderson had been called down to the Med Bay after the Commander's little episode, and was sitting up straight beside the bed looking the woman over; his expression may have been as straight as his posture but even the concern in his eyes was difficult to hide. Dr. Chakwas was looking over every single brain schematic and chart, had performed test after test, but none showed any sign or damage that might lead to amnesia or mental instability.

Suddenly Shepard jerked her head to the side, her eyes moving rapidly, after about thirty minutes or so she sprung up panting and grabbed her head wincing.

_That dream again… _She stared down at the sheets and gave a slight shake of her head._ No, the first time was a choppy nightmare. This time it was like a bad memory._

_...this time?_

Shepard gritted her teeth, her hands rubbing her temples. She could vividly remember everything even the moment she felt her very being disappear but now…

_Could it really have been a dream? No…_ She shook her head again, this time noticing the weight on her head and ran her hand through her hair, before peering at her hand again. This was her proof. The proof that it wasn't a dream.

She stared intently at the pale ivory hand, knowing full well that she was born with caramel-like skin. And unlike the hands she was used to seeing these barely had any scars; they weren't flawless but all the scars she had gotten from her survival of Akuze, from the reconstruction of her body by Cerberus, none of them were present.

The three were watching her intently and Anderson slowly placed his hand on her shoulder breaking her from her thoughts. She peered up at him quickly and winced but not from pain, as she had expected, but rather instinct.

When she was a little girl, trying to survive in the dark underbelly of Los Angeles, she had been climbing up a fence but slipped and fell down three stories shattering her shoulder blade and right arm. Luckily for her one of the Tenth Street Red members had come across her and carried her to the hospital, they even went as far as to pay for her medical bills. Of course when she was in tip top shape, her arm aside as it was best tended to at the time, she had to join the Tenth Street Reds to pay off her debt.

All of that aside, after Akuze, when the doctors performed another surgery on her arm, they told her the damage was to deep to fully repair. So, basically it would hurt like hell at the slightest touch.

Not feeling that pain and the clarity of those events were further proof, at least to her, that this was something other than a dream or mere déjà vu.

"Shepard, are you alright? How are you feeling?"

Shepard stared at him before looking forward her eyes meeting Kaidan's anxious ones. "Fine…a little lightheaded maybe." She found it curious that her voice sounded the same, if perhaps a bit gentler than it usually was.

"Commander, I would like to ask you some questions if it's alright. To see how your memory is holding up. Would you like anything before I begin?"

The Commander shook her head before stopping abruptly, thinking on it, then nodding. "A mirror," she looked over at Chakwas.

The doctor nodded hesitantly but sighed and walked over to her desk pulling out a small hand mirror from a drawer and handed it to her.

Shepard gazed down at her reflection, her jaw tightening at the sight.

She naturally had long black hair but after Akuze when she had to wash her friends and comrades entrails out of her ebony locks she shaved it all off, besides a buzz cut was easier to maintain than the memories and hair care bills. This woman, this Shepard, her hair was a long bronzy red; it looked more like fire against her pale skin. And the eyes like sparkling emeralds; quite different from her steely gray ones in which the pupils gave a small glow of red thanks to The Illusive Man and his…upgrades. These eyes looked fresh, as though they hadn't seen much destruction or mayhem; exactly what she imagined her eyes looked like before dealing with the Collectors and Reapers. Her old face was scarred, allowing the implants she had shine through; this face had only a barely there scar that resembled an X to the side of her right eye, just below the temple.

"Shepard?" Chakwas placed her hand on her arm and watched her closely. "I'm going to ask some questions now."

The Commander blinked and looked up at her nodding slightly.

"When were you born?"

Shepard blinked again and peered at the face in the mirror, she had no idea when she was born. She had been raised by the streets and its degenerates; there was no need for such information. The man you were pickpocketing or the lady you were scamming didn't care when you were born and half the time they wished you hadn't been.

Glancing up at her over the mirror she shrugged, if she didn't know her original birthday there was no way she'd know this Shepard's birthday.

"April 11, 2154." She had a worried look in her eye as she jotted something down, but unlike the Lieutenant and the Captain she was able to mask it well enough.

_I was born in April huh? Wait, no, she was born in April…or maybe both of us were?_

Her brow furrowed and she sighed. The three exchanged glances before looking back at Shepard.

"Do you recall your childhood?"

Without thinking she nodded and responded, "I was born somewhere in Los Angeles." Quickly she realized what she had done and immediately looked at Chakwas, surprised to find her nodding.

"Yes, after which your life consisted of space travel."

"Wait, what?" Shepard's brow furrowed further as she watched the doctor carefully.

"Shepard," Anderson patted her shoulder again, and once again she had the impulse to flinch. "Both of your parents served in the Alliance. Your mother is still currently serving as the executive officer aboard the SSV Kilimanjaro, and your father was transferred to a post on Earth over two years ago."

"My parents?!" She looked at him shocked. "I-I have parents?!"

_I have parents and they're alive and…I can talk to them…they're real. No. Wait they're this Shepard's parents…not mine…but…maybe they are now?_

"Celia…" Anderson's voice seemed to fail him as he watched the woman.

_Celia? Is that my name now? On the streets they called me Echo and nothing else, I don't even remember what prompted the last name Shepard. Not that it matters now…from what I can tell most people just call this Shepard by her last name too, just like they did for me._

"Let's…continue," the mask Chakwas had put up was beginning to crack now. "Do you recall what you did on Elysium seven years ago to earn your Star of Terra?"

Shepard blinked again and looked down at the mirror she had put in her lap.

_A Star of Terra? Geez, this Shepard is a big goddamn hero… _She gave a small smirk thinking of a certain mercenary who use to say the same thing. However the smirk faded when she recalled how she told him she didn't have time for his stories. Shaking the thought away, she began pouring through her memories. _Something Star of Terra worthy…occurring on Elysium. Hmm, let's see Alenko said something about the beacon on Eden prime and activating it so the year should be 2183. So seven years ago on Elysium…the Blitz. Well I'll be damned she…I fought in the Blitz, suppose that's more note worthy then surviving a fifty foot worm, or two, on Akuze._

"The Skyllian Blitz. Killed a lot of slavers and enemies that day." She silently prayed that she sounded convincing.

"Ever the modest soldier." Anderson chuckled softly and cracked a tiny smile, obviously pleased with the answer.

"Come on, Commander, we all know you single-handedly held off the enemy troops until reinforcements could arrive." Kaidan said with a slight relieved expression.

_Single-handedly? Bet she…I…was just doing what needed to be done. When facing an enemy, no matter who or what they are, the last thing you think about is how it will appear on your resume…at least, that should be the last thing…_

Chakwas nodded approvingly and took down several notes before glancing back up at her. "I'm going to ask you about more recent events." Shepard sighed and nodded growing weary of all the questions, but inwardly thankful for them filling her in on this new life. "What year is it?"

"2183…" The Commander said with some minor hesitation, but relaxed as soon as she saw the doctor nod.

"Do you recall what happened on Eden Prime, Commander?" All three peered intently at her.

Shepard gave a small wiry smile and nodded, having been confirmed on the year and the fact she already knew Kaidan activated the beacon just as he did before, she took a leap of faith and dove in.

"We arrived at Eden Prime; the colony was under attack by the Geth. Nihlus, went down ahead of us. Jenkins died, we saved Williams. Saren killed Nihlus, then attempted to blow up all evidence of his arrival on Sove-" she immediately forced a cough. Knowing now that this was exactly like her time, she could tell from their nodding as she spoke, which meant they wouldn't know about Sovereign until Virmire or at least Noveria. Chakwas handed her a glass of water and she drank it greedily, not realizing until now how hungry and parched she was. Quickly she handed it back to her and continued, "that big ass ship of his. We stopped them from blowing the place sky high and then…the beacon…"

"Commander, again, I shouldn't hav-" Kaidan began but Shepard raised her hand cutting him off.

"Don't worry about it." Shepard removed the sheets and swung her legs over the edge and sat there a moment before looking up at Dr. Chakwas. "So, what's the diagnosis doc?" Admittedly she sounded more amused than worried.

"Well from the information I've gathered and the lack of physical illness, I'd say you were suffering from a mild case of Dissociative Amnesia."

"But isn't that brought on by stress or traumatic events?" Kaidan kicked off the wall and stood his arms at his side looking between Shepard and Chakwas.

"I imagine whatever the beacon did was quite stressful and perhaps even a little traumatic, Lieutenant Alenko." Chakwas said with such a sudden calm in her voice it threw the other three off. "Speaking of the beacon, Commander, what exactly happened?"

Shepard looked at her, catching an odd look in her eyes before standing and stretching. She sighed and recited every word she had told them the time before. Afterwards the same conversation between her and Anderson occurred as it did the last time. It was awkward for her not to tell him everything she knew. In her previous life Anderson was the closest thing she had to a father, he was probably the only one she let get close after Akuze.

When they were done she watched him leave before turning and heading into the backroom; she walked slowly to the mirror and examined herself. Grabbing a strand of hair she stared at it awhile.

_Long hair can be disastrous while on missions… _She sighed and looked around for anything sharp before she recalled a knife in her pocket that she used to carry around. As she reached in her pocket, she quickly remembered that this wasn't the same Shepard, but before she could stop herself her hand clasped around an object and pulled it out. To her surprise it was the same knife, except instead of the engraving saying:

'Echo, good job kicking that Turian's ass. Keep up the good work. ~TSR'

It read:

'Celia, glad to hear you made N7. You make us proud. ~Mom & Dad'

_I guess not a lot is all that different. _She shuddered at the thought and shook her head.

_No…_

She looked determinedly in the mirror before unfolding the knife and slicing off her hair to her shoulders. Folding it back and placing it in her pocket again, she grabbed at some hair bands this Shepard kept in one of her other pockets and put her hair up in a ponytail.

_Maybe I can't save everyone but I'll be damned if I don't save as many as I can, I won't fail again…_

She took another look at herself then nodded to the image in the mirror.

_It will be different this time around._

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Author's note: Yay for chapter two. Anyway...ummm hope it was good.


	3. Haunted

Disclaimer: Again I own nothing. I wonder, do I have to keep putting these since it's obvious that I don't own anything Mass Effect related?

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**Haunted**

_~And I'm haunted; by the lives that I have loved, and actions I have hated~_

_-Poe_

Shepard sighed as she leaned against the balcony railing of Ambassador Udina's office. It took all of her strength to hold herself back from shooting the man right then and there. She never liked him to begin with, but after what he did she utterly despised him now.

Gritting her teeth, she turned and looked out at the Presidium, hoping to find anything to distract her from committing murder.

_The view's the same as I last remember it, before the Reapers got their...could you call them hands? Maybe metallic tentacles? _An amused grin appeared on her features as she contemplated this. Soon though the thought bored her and her attention returned to the Presidium. _White, clean, and an obnoxious superiority in the air. Yup it really doesn't change…_

Another sigh escaped her lips as she watched an Elcor meander across one of the bridges and wondered if it was the diplomat that complained about the consort Sha'ira. Quickly losing interest in the slow moving Elcor, she turned her attention to her side catching Kaidan and Ashley in her peripheral view.

When she saw Ashley back on the ship she was ecstatic to see her alive; however, she restrained herself from pulling the Gunnery Chief into an awkward hug.

"…C-Sec findings at the hearing. Not before." The Asari Councilor's voice broke her from her thoughts and she turned around just in time to see the Council's holograms fade away.

_Well…that conversation went exactly as it did last time. _Her eyes watched Udina approach before she shifted her gaze unto the Council's hologram station, not really paying much attention to what the Ambassador had to say. _Funny, when I first heard those three speak I thought they were being reasonable, stupid but reasonable…now I just think they're idiots. I mean, you can only disregard someone's word for so long before it becomes annoying._

As Udina spoke with Anderson, she decided to remain silent this time around, if only to usher the slimeball out faster. Standing there she took whatever verbal threats and abuse he could make; and as Anderson walked out with Udina, he turned and gave the Commander a faint sympathetic glance. Catching his eye she simply smirked in return, secretly glad that this Shepard at least has some sort of friendship with the Captain.

Ashley's voice rang out, muttering something about politicians. She turned to peer at her two comrades and watched them admire the view of the Presidium again. They talked about other areas of the Citadel and both turned to her.

"Have you been here before, Commander?" Kaidan asked looking her over briefly before settling on her eyes.

Shepard bit the inside of her lip and shook her head no, hoping this Shepard, like herself, hadn't bothered with the Citadel until after Eden Prime.

"For being filled with aliens it's kinda nice, I guess." Ashley stated as she looked out her tone seemingly casual, though she secretly appreciated the Presidium even if it was a little too luxurious for her liking. "Do you think we'll have time to see more later?"

"I wouldn't mind a tour." Kaidan said in a soft tone before both of them looked at their Commander expectantly.

"Maybe, let's see how this trial goes first." She turned quickly and headed for the door; part of her didn't want to deny either of them the chance to experience the Citadel's full effect…but the other part of her had already seen enough of the damned place to last her a lifetime, or three.

**~ x ~**

The three stood in the elevator, heading up to the Council's Chambers. It had been so long since she heard the music, she'd forgotten how much it annoyed the hell out of her. Both Kaidan and Ashley were quietly talking to themselves as she stood in the corner barely listening; the news suddenly came over the speaker announcing that Biotic Extremists had taken a chairman hostage over reparations they were denied.

_Oh right…that._ She sighed and rubbed her brow. _The last time I just charged in and killed everyone, even the chairman ended up dead. Kaidan wasn't too happy about the whole situation and even Hackett sounded disappointed…I'll deal with that later though._

Shaking her head of the thought, she was relieved when the elevator came to a stop. Once they exited, she stretched and headed down the path to the stairs stopping dead when she saw two Turians talking at the top of the steps. She knew them both. Executor Pallin, the head of Citadel Security, with his white face paint and fancy attire. And then there was…Garrus Vakarian. A memory flooded her mind as she watched the two Turians speaking.

**~...~...~**

_Night had fallen. The sounds of gunfire, explosions, and the annoying humming of Harbinger's lasers filled the air._

_ Looking around at the scene of chaos for a brief moment taking everything in. Soldiers ran towards the beam, which was now the only means of transportation that would take them to the Citadel. However, whenever they got close enough a blinding red light was emitted from the giant Reaper before them, and they were all set ablaze._

_ Looking to the side, steely gray eyes met midnight blue ones. Staring each other down, he nodded and looked forward, determined and ready._

_Staring forward, a battle cry rings out and they begin running. Dodging and weaving, avoiding several of the lasers only to hear screams and explosions behind them a ways away._

_ No more than ten feet away from the beam, a laser struck the ground right in front of them, catching her and her team in its wake and throwing them all back. Slamming hard against the ground, the blow knocked the air from her body and she struggled to breath. Soon, darkness quickly shrouded the world._

_ A gasp, a sharp unending pain, a flutter of eyes and she was awake lying on the ground. Struggling to get up, to move, every inch of her aching and screaming in agony as she got to her feet. One step, now another. Slowly stumbling forward her only weapon now clutched tightly in her hand. Her eyesight cleared just enough to recognize the Turian lying barely four feet from her in a pool of his own blood._

**~...~...~**

His voice shattered the memory causing her to look at him.

"Commander Shepard? Garrus Vakarian."

She looked him over, she wasn't an expert on Turian physiology but even she could tell he looked younger.

_He's not as worn out now as he was, or rather will be, and he doesn't have that scar that made him look like such a badass._

His midnight blue eyes watched her curiously.

"I was, uh, the officer in charge of the C-Sec investigation into Saren"

For the first time since being back she found herself speechless. Originally, when she first spoke to him, she was rude even by her standards. Like most people in security or law enforcement she immediately assumed he was either dirty or just did the bare minimum to get by. She even refused to recruit him the first time around because of this bias. Now seeing him standing there before her, knowing the truth, she wished she hadn't been so rash.

_Geez...I was a bigger bitch than Jack at times…_

Garrus cleared his throat as he watched her and spoke in a soft hesitant voice. "Commander?"

"What? Oh…right," her jaw tightened a moment; she had the odd sensation of being an actor in a play, one who clearly forgot her cue and was struggling with her lines. "D-did you come across anything I should know about?"

"Saren's a Spectre." He briefly gave her a quizzical look but continued on, trying to appear unfazed by the Commander's sudden absentmindedness. "Most of his activities are classified. I couldn't find anything solid," Garrus sighed and looked off to the side in deep thought. "I know he's up to something." He turned and looked back at her. "Like you humans say, I feel it in my gut."

"Heh," she smirked and crossed her arms, nodding to him. "Thanks for the update, Garrus. Don't give up."

"Don't worry, Shepard, I won't stop until I find something to nail him with."

She stared at him, and he her. She felt like she did the night they charged the beam. Unsure of the future, but determined to succeed.

_So…he always had that fire did he? Ironic, I had to die, for a second time at that, to finally notice it._

"Uh…" Kaidan's voice interrupted her thoughts. "I think the Council's ready for us, Commander; we should get a move on."

Shepard looked at him and noticed he couldn't meet her gaze. Sighing, she turned back to Garrus and nodded a farewell. He nodded in return and watched her walk off with the other two.

Ashley slightly elbowed Kaidan as they walked, for she also saw his reluctance to look Shepard in the eyes after quickly ushering her out of the conversation. The Lieutenant glanced at her briefly before looking ahead again, but from the look she caught in his eyes she could tell he was a little jealous.

As they made their way to Anderson, Shepard had already played out how the trial would go in her head. No matter who said what, the Council wouldn't believe anything without sufficient evidence.

**~ x ~**

Shepard panted heavily as she leaned against a wall. The three just killed two of Saren's assassins. She had honestly forgotten that the two would be waiting for them just outside Chora's Den.

Kaidan and Ashley stared at the Commander as she was catching her breath, neither of them seemingly fazed by the recent battle.

"Commander, is everything alright?" Kaidan approached her slowly with concern in his eyes.

"It is some side effects from the beacon?" Ashley asked also anxious.

"I'm fine…" Shepard waved off their concern still bent over, her hands on her knees.

"You charged in there like a Soldier," Kaidan gave a slight forced chuckle as though trying to ease away the tension. "You sure you didn't forget you're an Infiltrator?"

_She was a damned infiltrator?! _Shepard cursed under her breath_. I've never used a sniper rifle in my life! And this body…it's so heavy…_ She continued to pant and stared at the ground. _Was it always this sluggish before Cerberus' implants? It had to be, someone who survived the Skyllian Blitz with honors should be in top physical condition…right? _Her jaw clenched shut at the thought before shaking her head with mild embarrassment._ I can't believe I even tried to Reave one of them; I ended up looking like an idiot…not to mention I just charged into battle with my shotgun and missed both targets. _Slowly she stood straight breathing in deeply, her hands now on her sides.

"Do you want us to deal with this Harkin guy while you relax here?" Ashley questioned watching the Commander.

Shepard gritted her teeth at the thought of being coddled, but seeing as she only knew the background of this body and not the physical aspect of it she reluctantly agreed to allow them to handle Harkin.

Ashley looked at Kaidan and indicated with her head to move on ahead of her. She knew he outranked her, but she also had a feeling he'd offer to stay behind with the Commander, who at the moment looked as though she'd rather be alone.

Kaidan seemed averse to leaving Shepard on her own, but nonetheless walked with Ash into Chora's Den.

Sighing, she leaned back against the wall and stared up at the lounging Asari glowing on the opposing wall. Staring at the sign too long gave her a dull headache; so she kicked off the wall and walked over to the balustrade. She rested her arms on it and watched as air cars passed by just below.

For a brief moment or two she let her mind wander off when she heard a familiar shumping, a mix between stomping and shuffling, sound behind her. She turned her head just enough to confirm her suspicions.

"Wrex…"

The Krogan stopped and turned to her. He gave her a curious expression before approaching.

"Shepard?"

His voice sparked a memory she had been trying to bury since the moment it occurred.

**~...~...~**

_"I know what you did!" The Krogan approached her, his crimson red eyes filled with rage and betrayal. Quickly he summoned his omni-tool and shoved it in her face._

_ A recording began to play. It talked of sabotage, deals, and choices. Soon she realized what he meant, why he was so angry..._

_ He found out she really didn't cure the genophage._

_ In a blink of an eye the Wrex pulled out a shotgun and aimed it at her nose. Out of instinct she grabbed it and pushed it up, a single round exploded from the barrel as the two stared each other down._

_ "What have you done!?" He growled wrestling the shotgun from her grasp. "Did you think I was as dumb as my brother Wreav?! That Mordin was the only contact I had in STG!?"_

_ "Wrex, I didn't sabotage the cure…the Salarians had already gotten to the Shroud years before." She said through gritted teeth watching him carefully._

_ "So then you cured us?!" He hollered already knowing the truth._

_ "I didn't have time to tell Mordin about the sabotage…and by the time I got there to inform him of it…it was too late for anything to be done."_

_ "You still knew and said nothing!" The Krogan charged her and slammed her against the wall._

_ She gripped his large hand around her throat, barely noticing that C-Sec officers were descending upon them._

_ "It d-doesn't have to be th-this way, Wrex…"_

_ "I thought I could trust you Shepard," as he said this she head butted him and rolled forward before scurrying behind cover. He stumbled back and refocused his glared on her "But you're just a traitor! Know this I'm calling off my support!" He looked at her fury in his eyes. "If my people go extinct…So! Do! Yours!"_

_ Shepard looked around for the gun the officer had dropped when confronting Wrex earlier. When she found it, it was too far to grab and part of her didn't want to resort to using it._

_ "You a coward too?! No one here to do your dirty work for you!?" Aiming his shotgun, his gaze focused only on her, he pulled the trigger._

_ Shepard ducked her head down further and heard the bullet ricochet off the metal of her cover._

_ "Take him down." Commander Bailey's voice rang out from behind the Krogan which was followed in quick succession by gunfire._

_ Wrex turned around just in time to raise his weapon to them but little else. As they kept firing he stumbled back before whirling around, recalling Shepard was still alive, and raised his shotgun. The barrel of his gun was between her eyes, but he found her holding the officer's gun at his own head as well. They stared at each other, as Bailey called a ceasefire realizing this was a showdown between the two of them. Wrex panted heavily, his regenerative skills slow to take effect. Both held their guns with absolution._

_ "I have a respect f-for you Shepard. I will honor that by sh-shooting you in the head!"_

_His shotgun moved forward, but Shepard's trigger finger was faster. A single shot rang out, the area eerily quiet as the Krogan's body crumbled to the floor. She gazed down upon his lifeless body, the gun slowly lowering to her side._

"_It didn't have to be this way, Wrex…"_

**~...~...~**

Shepard felt something touch her right shoulder and, out of instinct, she flinched. No longer reminiscing, she turned her head to see Wrex's shoulder pad was the culprit.

_I must've been deep in thought; I didn't even realize he got that close…_

She shifted slightly to her left and looked out again; he said nothing just stood there staring out as well.

_He must think I'm mental…calling his name then spacing out…damn…_

Sighing, she rubbed the back of her neck and glanced over at him.

"I'm surprised you even recognized me."

"They still show those vids on the Skyllian Blitz." She cocked an eyebrow at him. "And lots of people want your head."

"That sounds more like it." She chuckled.

"The question is how do you know me?" His deep gravelly voice questioned with a hint of suspicion.

"Barla Von…" The Krogan considered this a moment before giving a curt nod. "He mentioned that you were hired to take out Fist."

"Have you been hired to protect him?" Wrex turned to face her.

"Nope and I wouldn't protect his greedy ass even if he paid me a million credits." She did the same. The two stared at each other for a moment before she held out her hand to him. "There's a saying amongst your people: Seek the enemy of your enemy, and you will find a friend. I think it's time we became friends."

Wrex blinked, he was surprised to hear the ways of his people spoken from the lips of a petite human woman. He took only a brief moment to get over his astonishment before taking her hand and shaking it. As she was grasping his hand she again recalled the memory of shooting him, of meeting him on Tuchanka, of that look he had of respect and trust for her on Virmire.

"You surprise me, Shepard." He chuckled heartily still shaking her hand before looking her straight in the eye. "Out of respect, I'll give you fair warning…I'm going to kill Fist."

She smirked and shrugged releasing his hand looking off at the entrance to Chora's Den. "Not like anything I say or do will stop you anyway." The Krogan nodded and followed her gaze. "But first, there's someone else I need to recruit." Wrex looked back at her, waiting to see if she'd divulge more. The commander looked over at him and gave him a small grin. "Once we have Garrus Vakarian, you can do whatever you please with Fist."

"Works for me."

* * *

Author's note: Poe is a music group, their song Haunted is on the Alan Wake soundtrack. Just noting this because those who helped me edit and things thought I meant Edgar Allan Poe. Anyway thanks for reading ch. 3.


	4. Rumor Has It

Disclaimer: The same as it was the past three times, I have no ownership of the Mass Effect Universe...I took liberties but I have no ownership.

* * *

**Rumor Has It**

_~She is a stranger. You and I have history or don't you remember?~_

_-Adele_

Shepard stared in awe as she watched Garrus snipe one of the thugs with only his pistol.

_I knew he was good but…I never realized that he was this good. Of course, I hadn't bothered with him the first time around._

She sighed as she watched her team easily take down the rest of the thugs. She would've joined but she honestly didn't want Garrus or Wrex to bear witness to her momentary lack of battle finesse; it was bad enough that Ashley felt obligated to keep an eye on her since the incident in front of Chora's Den, and also Kaidan pulled rank "requesting" her to watch the Commander since Shepard ordered him to head back to Udina's office to wait for them.

"Hey Commander?" The pilot of the Normandy's voice came over the intercom.

"What is it Joker?" Shepard responded.

"Lieutenant Alenko," Joker's tone held his complimentary sarcasm, though he sounded more annoyed now than when he first encountered the AI, EDI, in her time, "wants me to ask how you're feeling. I don't like playing messenger boy, Commander, but Dr. Chakwas was wondering the same thing and she threatened me…with syringes so," he performed an overly dramatic sigh. "How are you feeling?"

The Commander rubbed her brow feeling Garrus and Wrex's eyes on her, the two people she didn't want to know she was having problems being in "her own" skin.

"Joker, tell Dr. Chakwas I'm fine. Also tell her that if she's really that worried then she can examine me all she wants when I'm back on the Normandy."

"Yes, Commander." Joker's voice held an amused tone.

"Also, Joker…"

"Uh…yes, Commander?"

"No more messages unless they involve Saren or if it's from Captain Anderson. Inform the others that you're not their messenger boy."

"Aye-aye, Commander." Joker said as he signed off. The last thing they heard coming over the intercoms was a small chuckle from him.

Ashley looked off to the side, she may not have known Shepard all that long but she could tell that the Commander was both embarrassed and annoyed, more so the latter. She looked over and spotted the Turian, who looked like he was about to ask Shepard what Joker was referring to; she quickly put her hand out to stop him from moving closer and shook her head saying softly.

"I don't think that'd be wise."

**~ x ~**

She watched as Wrex put a bullet in Fist's head before spinning around quickly and dashing to the door.

"We don't have time to stand around! The Quarian's in danger! Move!" She hollered before her shields took a bullet and she ducked behind the wall. "Damn…reinforcements."

Quickly she glanced at Wrex and Garrus before nodding to them and pressing a button on her omni-tool creating a Tactical Cloak. She didn't know how long it'd last but she hoped it'd be long enough to help clear a path quickly.

Invisible to the first enemy she whirled around him and jabbed him in the back of the neck with her knife before quickly spinning and tossing it at the second, hitting him right in the eye. She panted heavily as the Tactical Cloak faded and she dove into cover popping up to shoot off several rounds at the third, thankful that Garrus finished him off. Swiftly she rolled out of cover grabbed her knife from the second's eye socket and charged the fourth guy in her way. She knew it wasn't wise, and that this body wasn't trained the way hers was originally, but still she tackled him down rolled off him and out the door. She got back up, breathing hard and feeling slower than she'd ever felt before as she headed to the alley way where she knew the Quarian, Tali, was about to walk right into a trap.

When she opened the entrance to the back alley she heard Wrex and Garrus making their way over, putting her finger to her lips she quickly took out the sniper rifle as she silently moved into cover.

_I hope this works…_

Shepard looked through the scope and focused it on the Turian assassin Saren had sent to dispose of Tali and the evidence she had against him. She focused hard on keeping the Turian in her crosshairs, so hard she wasn't paying much attention to what he and Tali were saying. Taking deep breaths she watched him closely. The moment he raised his hand for his men to ambush her, she took the shot catching him right between the eyes. Shepard stared amazed she even hit him as Garrus sniped one of the Salarian ambushers, Tali sent out a drone to take care of another, and Wrex charged the last two.

With the battle quickly over Shepard stood, caught her breath, and then slowly approached Tali, flexing her hands and arms as she did so.

_Maybe retraining this body won't be so bad…_

"Who are you?" Tali turned to the three looking them over.

"We're friends…" Shepard responded, the word leaving her mouth dry as a memory flooded her mind.

**~...~...~**

_The sky cried fire and steel off in the horizon. The world had grown eerily silent, before she heard the Quarian behind her sobbing. She looked back at the disabled Reaper in front of her, her hands clenching tighter into fists with each sob she heard. _

_ The scent of burning chemicals and metal filled the air and she felt her stomach lurch. She had to make a choice. The Geth or the Quarians…_

_ As the blazing remains of the Migrant fleet streaked across the sky, her choice was evident. A barely audible apology left her lips._

_ "I'm sorry, Tali…"_

_ She heard a small clacking sound and she turned to see Tali's mask on the ground. Slowly her eyes trailed up to Tali's face. Her eyes met hers; they possessed neither iris or pupil, and were instead one color that reminded her of liquid silver. Her skin was a porcelain pale white-blue with a patch of cyan blue scales beside and underneath her eye. They seemed slightly metallic and reminiscent of the small dragon scales she had seen on old vids and holos. She could barely see another patch on her throat. Streaming down her cheeks were crystalline tears._

_ Seeing her caused a lump to form in her throat and no words came to her mind._

_ Without warning Tali took a step back and fell from the cliff edge to the sea below. A soft "I'm sorry" carried in the wind. She stood there and stared at the spot the Quarian had been before turning her head in shame._

**~...~...~**

"Not that I don't appreciate the help, but I can take care of myself." Tali said as she looked around.

Snapping from the memory she stared at the young Quarian and nodded.

"So I see…but it never hurts to have a few extra guns."

Tali nodded and paced slightly. "So what brings you three to this back alley?"

"You." Garrus responded bluntly.

"Word is you have evidence on some Turian Spectre named Saran." Wrex leaned against the wall watching.

"Then I can repay you for saving my life."

"Okay, then let's head back to the others. I'm sure they'll want to see it." Shepard headed to the exit putting the sniper rifle on her back.

"So, Commander, this Lieutenant Alenko…do you think Williams shot him?" Garrus gave a slight chuckle thinking about it.

"The human did tell us she would if he tried to get a hold of Shepard again." Wrex stated kicking off the wall following.

"Uh…" Tali looked between the two before following the Commander.

"Don't ask…" Shepard sighed, though admittedly she found the thought rather amusing.

**~ x ~**

Shepard stood beside Captain Anderson as the evidence Tali possessed was being presented to the council. Saren's voice spoke of Eden Prime as a victory while a second voice mentioned the Reapers.

She watched their shocked expressions with silent pleasure, recognizing a sliver of embarrassment in their eyes.

_Serves you right…_

Udina waited and listened in front of her and Anderson, as the rest of her squad stood behind them waiting patiently watching the three now debate what needed to be done.

"We cannot refute this evidence. Saren will be stripped of his status and brought in to answer for his crimes." The Turian Councilor said in a somber tone.

"The second voice…it belongs to Matriarch Benezia. She has many followers, making her a formidable ally for Saren." The Asari Councilor commented as she looked between the other two councilors before settling her gaze on the Commander.

"I'm more interested in the Reapers. What do you know about them?" The Salarian Councilor stated as he peered over at Anderson and Shepard.

"We know only what was extracted from the Geth's memory core. They're an ancient race of machines that wiped out the Protheans and then they suddenly vanished." Anderson responded.

Shepard bit her tongue and looked off trying not to say anything about what she knew.

_It's possible I could end this now, but they'd never believe me…and even if they did…how would that change things? Would it be for better or for worse? Would more die or less? _Her mind reeled at the consequences of changing too much, before spinning with the knowledge of what would occur if she didn't change enough.

Shaking the thoughts from her head she played her part saying what she did the first time around, taking great care not to give up too much of her knowledge. Not a second after she finished talking, Udina and the Turian Councilor began a pissing match.

Half an hour of the two yelling and debating passed before Shepard gritted her teeth and took a step forward.

"Send me into the Traverse…" She watched them as the two stopped yelling and glanced at her. "I'll go, on my own if I have to, and bring him back. That way there's no risk of war with the Terminus Systems…"

"Saren has much more resources then yourself, Commander." The Salarian Councilor stated as he watched her closely.

"Then make her a Spectre and give her the resources you gave Saren!" Udina said loudly, his anger boiling over further.

The Turian Councilor was about to argue this when the Asari one interrupted.

"Shepard's right…we can give her the resources that come with being a Spectre and send her in with no fleets or armies involved to capture Saren."

The three looked between one another before they all nodded and looked forward again.

"Commander Shepard, step forward."

Shepard exchanged looks with Anderson before stepping forward again. Crowds began to form behind her and in the balconies; Shepard could hear the reporter, Emily Wong, behind her as well. She turned her head slightly and looked at her and the floating camera.

_How did she get here so fast? Was she even there last time?_

The Commander could barely hear her but she caught the words: Honor, Spectre, Interview…

Sighing she looked back forward realizing she had missed most of their speech for her induction and simply nodded like she was paying attention.

"You are the first Human Spectre, Commander. This is a great accomplishment for you and your entire species."

"I'm honored…" she said half-heartedly, knowing in time this title wouldn't mean much.

Commander Shepard watched them a moment as they left before turning back to Udina and Anderson discussing her need for a ship, crew, and other necessities. He walked off mumbling to himself with Anderson following close behind him. Chuckling slightly, watching them, she noted that the crowds in the balconies and on the stairs were still present most likely hoping to be spotted on the news.

"Congratulations, Commander." Ashley, Kaidan, and Garrus said in unison.

"Congrats, Shepard." Wrex said with a nod of approval

"Good work, Commander Shepard." Tali said with a thumbs up.

She looked at them all and laughed slightly before grinning and waving off the praise.

"Congratulate me once we have Saren…"

"Commander Shepard?" Emily Wong's voice sounded behind her. Shepard turned and faced her. "How about an interview?"

"Not right now, maybe after I've completed my mission."

"Well then maybe you can humor me and pose for a couple vids and pictures?" Emily watched her closely. Shepard sighed and looked from her to her squad: Wrex seemed disinterested, Tali nodded an "okay", Garrus simply shrugged, Kaidan nodded with a small grin, and Ashley gave an "I hope this is quick" face. She thought about it a moment before reluctantly nodding. "Good now if you'd pose with your sniper rifle, maybe looking through scope or something, that'd be perfect." Emily smiled brightly.

Gritting her teeth, Shepard pulled out her sniper rifle and posed with it peering through the scope. She blinked as the camera flashed; opening her eyes she caught a glimpse of someone that caused her to drop her arms staring up into the balcony.

_N-no way. It couldn't be, but…what if it was?_

Without thinking, Shepard immediately shoved her rifle into Emily's arms and broke out in a run.

"Commander?!" Several voices rang out behind her.

"I'll meet you all at the docking bay!" She hollered behind her as she ran through a door and up the stairs, catching a glimpse of a shirt turning the corner down the hall.

_Was that him?_

She ran swiftly down the hall; far too quickly as the corner was rushing to meet her. Skidding, she slammed into the wall but hastily pushed off it and stumbled forward seeing a hand going through a side door. Stopping just outside the door, she panted softly and caught her breath before entering slowly.

The room was dim, the only light poured through the cracks in the shades of the windows. No more than seven feet away stood a figure of a man, he didn't face her as shadow shrouded most of his back and head. In his right hand she could barely see the smoke dancing from the burning embers of a cigarette. A smooth voice sounded from the man; the tone was warm and yet dark like fine bourbon, and every word that left his lips held a confidence that could not be denied.

"Commander Shepard," the man took a drag of the cigarette, keeping his back to her. "Is there something I can help you with?"

Shepard stared at him, she knew who it was without needing to see his face, that voice and tone only belonged to one person.

"I'm sorry I thought you were someone else…" She crossed her arms over her chest watching him cautiously.

"And who would have Commander Shepard, the first human Spectre, bounding up stairs and through halls after them?" Still keeping his back to her, he blew out soft smoke.

"Oh, a man who goes by the name Tim…know anyone who goes by that?"

"Can't say that I have." He turned his head to her at the name, what could be seen of his eye seemed to almost glow in the shadows.

_Of course you haven't… _Shepard stared a moment before inwardly kicking herself. _What the hell am I doing? What was I expecting? Why did I chase him? Damn it…_

"I-I see…then I'm sorry I bugged you…" She turned to leave and stepped out.

_Why did I just try to confront him? What good would come of it now- Kahoku…_

She recalled his family, his children and wife, seeing their teary faces on vids of the funeral service. She clenched her jaw shut before turning and going back inside closing the door behind her.

"Is there something else you needed?" He was now sitting in a chair, the shadows covering him entirely with the cigarette end and his eyes the only indication of where he was.

The Commander stared into his steely blue eyes for a moment trying figure out how to word what she needed to say.

_…Here I go…_

"I simply recalled something is all." She leaned back against the door her arms crossing over her chest.

"Is that so?" He inhaled and stared at her a moment before blowing out the white smoke. "And what did you recall?"

"Just a rumor that I overheard, I figured the man I spoke of would be interested in hearing it."

"I see; then perhaps you could humor me with this…rumor." His eyes never left hers.

A precarious chuckle escaped her lips as she shoved off the wall walking over to a window. She pulled up one of the window shades and looked over, slightly disappointed that it didn't reveal more of the man. Shadows still shrouding his face, she gave a small sigh and looked out the window at the arms of the Citadel and grimaced at the sight. Shepard shuddered as she suppressed the dark and terror filled memories that the Citadel, as a whole, invoked.

"Okay let's say that I heard about some information that involved a supposed terrorist group working out of the Voyager Cluster."

"And what is the supposed name of this…terrorist group?" He took one last drag of his cigarette and snuffed it out, his eyes still watching her.

"Oh," she waved her hand as if it wasn't too important and turned her head to him smirking. "Eh, some name pertaining to an old mythical beast; it has multiple heads I think and guards the gates to the underworld." Delight was evident on her features when she saw his eyes narrow briefly. "Anyway, according to the whispers…this group, supposedly set up a plan involving those fifty foot worms-"

"Thresher Maws?"

"Yes…those." Her mind began to replay images of Akuze, of her losing her squad to a nest of them. Shaking her head of the thought, she turned fully leaning on the sill watching him. "So apparently this group set up this trap in the…what was it?" She placed her hand on her chin trying with all her might to hold back a grin. "Ah yes, the Sparta System. Anyhow, it seems that this little plot caused several Alliance soldiers to lose their lives. Don't you think that it was rather pointless to do this since the same experiment trap thing, was set up about six years ago…on Akuze?" She bit her tongue, she didn't want to reveal that she knew of Akuze but her disdain for the situation had caused her to speak without thinking.

He remained silent for a moment watching her before crossing his legs slightly. "Yes, that does indeed sound counterintuitive…"

"Exactly, if it didn't work the first time with over 70 men and women, counting colonists, why bother trying again on only four or five people. Wouldn't a larger test group have proven more beneficial?"

"…I see your point." He must have closed his eyes because she could no longer see the glowing orbs.

She nodded unable to tear her eyes from him, partly from curiosity but more so for the lack of trust she had for him. "Not only was it pointless but think of the repercussions this whole situation could have."

"Such as?" His voice was soft, contemplative, as he thought of the consequences.

"Well let's say, hypothetically, that a high ranking officer in the Alliance catches wind of this. Let's call him…Star-"

"Star?" His eyes opened and peered at her; from the tone in his voice he must have smiled, if only briefly.

"Yes, Star." She smirked still gazing at him. "Back to this theoretical scenario…" Shepard crossed her arms and closed her eyes, her tone much more somber. "Say this high ranking officer, Star, is the determined sort and wouldn't easily let go of finding justice for his men."

"Meaning this man would cease at nothing to uncover the truth…"

Nodding she turned around and looked back out. "Don't you think that this group would try to make sure he's…dealt with? And that out of desperation he would send whatever he knows to someone he trusts, just causing more troubles in the long run." She leaned her elbows on the sill and pressed her forehead against the window, enjoying the feel of the cold glass against her skin. "Wouldn't it prove more beneficial to keep him alive? To have the Alliance on your side for once?"

"For once?" He cocked on eyebrow. She simply shrugged. He waited a moment to see if she'd respond, when she didn't he gave a soft sigh before nodding to himself. "Yes, Perhaps that is a possibility; if this group played their cards right…it would be beneficial." He stared at her, his eyes roaming over her body before closing them and losing himself in thought. After several moments he opened his eyes surprised to see Shepard was gazing at him silently. "Tell me…" his eyes narrowed. "What hypothetical information would this, Star, be passing on?"

"Hmm perhaps a location of several bases this group has, say in the Yangtze System?"

"Is there anymore to that hypothetical scenario, or this rumor?" She shook her head. "Well…it is a very interesting situation."

She nodded and looked off to the side.

_Is he figuring it out or…just humoring me?_

"Tell me, Shepard, why would you have discussed this with-"

She shrugged before he could finish. "I just figured it'd be a rumor he'd find interesting and would like to rectify…" Shepard headed towards the exit. "I should get going," she opened the door and turned her head to him. "Would you do something for me?"

"What would you like me to do?"

"Hurry."

With that Shepard took her leave.

* * *

Author's Note: Yes, I realize that there is a supposed picture of Tali in the MShep romance; however, it's a photoshopped picture of Miss England 2005 and it kinda disappointed me that they didn't do much else for the Quarian looks...so I used what I had envisioned.


	5. Dirty Little Secret

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing pertaining to the Mass effect universe, except that pyjak right there, in the blue sweater. See him right there behind the other pyjaks...no? Really? Well...he's there...

* * *

**Dirty Little Secret**

_~When we live such fragile lives; It's the best way we survive…~_

_-All American Rejects_

He sat, staring endlessly at the dying star in the large window before him.

**~…~…~**

_"Would you do something for me?" Her eyes pierced into his._

_ "What would you like me to do?" He watched her curiously._

_ "Hurry."_

_ He watched her leave, her ponytail swaying reminding him of the dancing flames of a candle. The sway of her hips noticeable in her skin tight attire, a common…side effect for the light colossus armor. Admittedly he found her stunning, but the sheer knowledge she seemed to possess was what caught his attention._

_He stayed there for several hours debating what to do and how to deal with the information she so casually slipped him, before he too left._

**~…~…~**

Several holo screens popped up before him; each ringing and beeping easing him out of his memory of the scene that had occurred almost a week ago. Sighing he pressed a button on his chair and one of the screens came to the foreground.

"Well?" He lit a cigarette, as he stared at the hologram.

A female's face appeared in a little window on the screen.

"The information checks out. However, we have scanned and searched the extranet along with Alliance comm links, there are no such rumors that the Commander spoke of." A report popped up beside the video link.

"I figured, and Shepard?" He drew in smoke and then blew out a soft white stream.

"We've registered the SSV Normandy SR-1 entering the Artemis Tau cluster, after which stealth systems were activated and we lost them somewhere near the Sparta System."

"She's heading to Edolus…" He blew out more smoke as he grabbed up his glass of scotch taking a sip.

_To discover what she already knows? But what would be the purpose- _He thought on it a moment before setting down his glass._ I see…no one else must know of this…a secret she's willing to keep from her crew then, but why?_

"Illusive Man, do you want us to intercept?"

"No, Miranda. Let Shepard be…for now focus on our bases in the Yangtze System. Keep them under observation."

Miranda nodded as the screen went blank for a second before the hologram disappeared. He took a drag as he stood and walked through the wall of holos to the large observation window, bringing his scotch with him.

"How do you know so much, I wonder?" A small smirk worked its way to his lips before he took a sip and stared out.

**~ x ~**

Shepard panted heavily as she bent over slightly, her hands trying to grip at the wall as she attempted to catch her breath. She felt a heavy pressure against her back as two large three clawed hands gripped her shoulders.

"Had enough, Shepard?" Wrex's low guttural voice met her ears as his hands gripped her shoulders tighter.

"N-not by a long shot!" She spun around and elbowed the side of his head.

Wrex released her and stumbled back, chuckling, before taking a fighting stance.

"I see you still have some fight in you. Good." Shepard wiped some sweat from her brow and smirked still panting before taking a battle stance herself. "Though you seem tired…maybe you should fight with someone more…squishy."

She gave a brisk laugh still winded. "Hah, and what would that prove? I'm Commander Shepard; don't you think it'd make for a more interesting biography if it stated I trained hand-to-hand with Krogan on a daily basis?"

"Hah!" He punched the palm of his hand, his eyes excited for another round.

She took another moment to catch her breath before charging at him. Ashley watched them from her workstation grinning slightly, Tali stood a few feet away trying to restrain herself from rooting for either side as she watched the two go at it. Garrus chuckled as he leaned against the Mako, while Kaidan watched with slight worry between him and Dr. Chakwas.

"Are you sure it's okay for her to be doing this doctor?" Kaidan looked at her then back at the fight.

Dr. Chakwas looked over at him briefly before checking some boxes on the datapad in her hand. "I've examined her three times. Her body is healthy; technically she's in top physical condition."

"Then what about what Ash and I witnessed in the Wards, doctor? It was like she hadn't fought before. D-do you think she's keeping something from us, maybe she was more injured than-"

"From what I've observed it appeared to be more of a mental restriction, Alenko."

"You're saying it was all in her head?" The Lieutenant blinked and stared at her.

"Yes." She continued to observe the fight. He stared at her waiting for more and sighed heavily when she left it at that.

"But-"

"Even if that was the problem, it isn't now." Garrus chimed in not removing his eyes from the Commander and the Merc.

"How can you say that? She's out of breath."

"She's been training with a Krogan Battlemaster for the past week. Her speed has increased along with her strength. And she's also been fighting him nonstop for the last five and a half hours; of course she's out of breath." Garrus stated as he crossed his arms. "Tell me, Kaidan, have you known any human to even last this long in a head-to-head match with a seven foot one ton Krogan?" He continued to watch and muttered to himself. "She's flexible though…for a human."

Kaidan opened his mouth as though to protest then sighed, rubbed the back of his neck, and returned to watching the two spar. "Point…taken."

"Commander?" Joker's voice rang out through the cargo bay.

Shepard jumped back, away from Wrex, and wiped her brow panting slightly once again. "What is it, Joker?"

"We'll be in Edolus' atmosphere soon. ETA one hour…give or take."

"Got it." She smirked and gave a winded chuckle. "Garrus and Wrex be ready…"

**~ x ~**

He took a small sip of wine as he peered at the Matriarch across from him. Preferring scotch or bourbon to such a dry fruity liquid he set the glass down, and leaned on his hand staring off at his surroundings.

They were dining at a high-end restaurant in the Presidium. It was fairly large, with cream colored walls adorned with ebony trimming and decorated with lights that imitated candelabras. Tables with dark burgundy linens and flowers from all across the galaxy were set up as center pieces on each one. It was reminiscent of some of the old restaurants that managed to stay afloat back on Earth. Though the Asari ensured the V.I.P booths were enclosed with sheer burgundy material that drowned out the noise of the other diners, while also shielding others from hearing the conversations within. He, however, preferred to keep the curtains open if only as a precautionary measure.

His eyes darted from server to server, diner to diner, barely paying attention to the Matriarch until her hand touched his. Turning his head he peered at her once more, watching her bat her eyelashes and smile suggestively.

Before he could propose that they return to his hotel room his pager went off.

"Excuse me, Trellani. I need to take this." Quickly he stood and headed out to the terrace before taking the call. "You have an update I assume?"

Miranda's voice rang out in his ear as he stood staring out at the simulated night sky. "Yes, did I interrupt your romantic rendezvous with the Matriarch?"

"Miranda," he struck a match and lit a cigarette taking a long drag before blowing out and responding. "There's no romance involved, just two adults who periodically engage in casual intercourse. Is there an update?"

"Yes. I've received reports that a Rear Admiral Kahoku has made inquiries about the organization, even going as far as to request information from the Shadow Broker… What?" She sounded slightly taken aback by his sudden chuckle.

"Kahoku…it's Hawaiian for star…"

_Clever girl…_

"I see. So the Commander even knew who exactly would become involved. The question is, if she knew that much why did she not stop him herself?"

"That's something I may have to ask her one day." He blew out a fragrant smoke, his eyes concentrating on the reflection of the false moon on the waterway of the Presidium.

"So you intend to speak with her again?" She waited a moment for him to respond, when he didn't she decided to change the topic, if only a little. "I have to admit I'm surprised you even agreed to Matriarch Trellani's invitation."

"And why is that?" Her words breaking his concentration.

"This Commander Shepard has been on your mind a great deal lately, I was simply surprised that you'd accept such a…proposal while infatuated with her." One could almost hear the faint smirk she was fighting to hold back.

_Infatuation? Am I infatuated with Shepard? No…perhaps curious is a better word…_

"It's more intrigue than infatuation, Miranda…"

"Of course it is."

The Illusive man slowly blew out a ring of smoke and watched it dissipate. "What's the status for the Rear Admiral?"

"The agents assigned to the bases on Binthu are currently tracking him down. However, he's already passed on intel to the Normandy."

"I assume this was the locations of the bases?" He placed a hand leisurely on the balustrade as he watched taxis float by.

"From what we have been able to decrypt, yes." Miranda paused on the opposite end, causing the Illusive Man to narrow his eyes at her silence.

"Miranda, if you have something to say, say it."

"I was simply waiting for you to ask me for a status update on Shepard." Her tone sounded amused, finding the situation rather humorous; it wasn't often that there was something intriguing enough to have the Illusive Man dwelling on it for so long a time, even rarer when it was a specific person.

Blowing out soft plumes of smoke, he stood staring out lost in his thoughts. He was silent for some time, long enough to cause Miranda to question whether she should have pressed the matter further or not. She cleared her throat to speak when he interjected, "And…where is she?"

"W-we recently intercepted a message from the Normandy to the Council. Commander Shepard has apparently picked up Liara T'Soni, Matriarch Benezia's daughter. Currently, the Normandy is making its way to the Yangtze System, according to an email Navigator Charles Pressly sent to Captain David Anderson."

"I see," he lightly mashed the tip of the cigarette on the railing. "Miranda find that Rear Admiral…"

"Yes, sir."

He listened to the beep, indicating the call was over and leaned on the balustrade staring off as a hand touched his back and slowly moved over his shoulder to his chest. Looking down at the blue hand he realized he had forgotten about the Matriarch and takes the hand as he turns.

"Forgive me, Trellani, but I must go." Placing a brisk kiss on her hand he sauntered off.

**~ x ~**

Wrex and Tali paced around the large room looking for clues as Shepard stood in the middle, immobile, staring down. Bodies bearing the insignia of Cerberus lay strewn all over the floor along the edges of where containment field walls for the cages had once stood. Wrex kicked aside the lifeless body of a Rachni with a small growl before continuing to look around; Tali entertained herself with decrypting a medical station off to the side, neither of them wishing to disturb Shepard as she stared at the human body at her feet. Her hands clenched tightly into fists, her expression unreadable as her eyes darted from the man's face to the many needle marks that could be seen on the exposed areas of his body.

Images of crying children, a mourning wife, soldiers saluting, and a closed coffin receiving a medal passed through her thoughts as she stared. She felt a hand on her shoulder but didn't respond.

"Commander…" Tali's voice was soft, as though fearing talking louder would break the Commander.

Wrex watched the two before looking down at the body and then returning his gaze. "Shepard…"

She slowly loosened her hands and gave a sigh, her eyes remaining on the corpse.

"Did…did you know him?" Tali questioned as she gazed down at the man. Shepard ran a gloved hand through her disheveled bangs, her shoulders slowly beginning to tremble. Tali kept her hand on her shoulder, slightly shocked. "A-are you crying? Was...was he that close?"

The Krogan seemed shocked as well. The two appeared to exchange looks before they heard something they took them both by surprise.

Commander Shepard wasn't crying; she was…snickering. And that snicker slowly turned into a giggle, then slowly a chuckle…before finally she was laughing like a mad man. Struggling to breathe through all the cackling she doubled over, unable to contain herself. Wrex blinked and stared at the human before grinning slightly, not seeming to mind that the Commander may have lost her sanity. Tali, on the other hand, was shuffling awkwardly not knowing what to do in such a situation or even what was going on.

"Uh Commander?" Joker's voice rang out over the radio. "Everything alright down there?"

Shepard gasped as she caught her breath; a moment or two passed before she actually stood up and wiped the tears brimming in her eyes. "E-everything's fine Joker." She looked down at the body with a small crooked grin.

"…if you say so, Commander, Joker out."

"A-are you sure Commander?" Tali slowly approached her as if she were a wild animal ready to attack.

"I'm fine Tali, really…"

"S-so, you don't know him then?" The Quarian questioned watching her.

"Contrary to popular belief, Tali, not all humans know each other." She gave the girl a smirk before glancing back down at the body looking over the man in Cerberus attire.

"Then what the hell was all that giggling about?" Wrex asked walking over.

The Commander gave him a wily smile before turning around heading to the exit. "On nothing, just a little inside joke of mine."

**~ x ~**

He shook the Rear Admiral's hand, there was unease in the man's eyes but that was to be expected. After all, several of his agents did try to kill him; and, of course, the issue of what happened to his men. However the Illusive Man played his cards right, said the right words, performed the right actions and soon he had Kahoku gratefully thanking him, if though a slight apprehensive about it. Miranda stood beside him, a hand on her hip as she watched the two men exchange farewells and the Rear Admiral taking his leave on a shuttle.

"That did prove beneficial…I suppose we should thank the Commander, sometime in the near future." She looked over at her boss for a moment before turning and watching several Alliance ships fly by. "How long do you intend on staying on Earth?"

"Not long. Have you set up a secure comm. link?" He walked languidly about, watching Alliance soldiers scurry by attending to business.

"Yes." She handed him a datapad. "I've set it up at this location."

He looked it over approvingly before handing it back and walking with a little more vigor to his destination. Miranda stood, looking on as he left, not seeing any need to follow him or get involved with the Commander, whom she didn't entirely trust to be honest.

The Illusive Man made his way to a nearby hotel. He checked in under a name he commonly used for social meets and greets, and headed straight to the suite he needed. Inside he found a comfortable chair before a large screen, a bar stocked with bourbon and scotch, and the various other niceties that hotel "presidential" suites provided. He leisurely poured himself a glass of bourbon and sat down in the chair and pressed a holographic button. Knowing it may take some time for a response he sat in silence and waited patiently.

**~ x ~**

Shepard bolted up when she finally realized the buzzing ring wasn't just in her head but was emanating from the large monitor not far from her bed. Blinking, trying not to doze back off, she stumbled out of the bed tripping and falling head first onto the cushion of her desk chair. Cursing mildly she sighed and struggled to remove the entangled blankets around her legs. When she had finally managed to loosen them she kicked them off and sat in the chair, slumping over, and pressed several buttons before her finger finally met with the one that would cease the annoying ringing and accept the vid call.

_This better be important or whoever is on the other end of this call is a dead man… _One thing about Shepard that she needed to tell everyone, again, was that when she's sleeping deeply and is disturbed she tends to be a little more snarky and unpleasant to be around.

The Commander let out a big yawn, causing her eyes to water somewhat, and stretched before wiping her eyes and wishing she were back in bed.

"Did I interrupt your sleep, Commander Shepard?" A smooth dark voice met her ears and she instantly grimaced, opening one eye and looking at the man on the screen.

"Nah, what ever made you think that." She made another face and scratched her head, disheveling her hair even more so than it already was.

The Illusive Man restrained a smirk as he watched her. She had a severe case of bed head, the tight black tank top she was sporting was bunched and wrinkled in several places, and as she got more comfortable in the chair she had pulled up a leg to join her; revealing a bare hip, knee, and calf. This caused him to contemplate, if only briefly, whether or not she was wearing shorts or…less. Shaking his head of the thought, he took a drag from the fourth cigarette he had lit while waiting for her to respond and stared at her.

Shepard, though tired, was focused enough to catch his gaze and stuck out her tongue at him. "Stop staring, you're giving me the creeps."

He chuckled softly and continued to look at her. "There's nothing else to stare at." He set the cigarette on the edge of an ashtray and folded his hands. "I see that disturbing your rest is unadvisable. Or are you naturally peeved all the time and just putting up a clever façade for the public?"

"Bite me." She sneered as best as she could without yawning again.

"Perhaps later. For the moment I simply wished to thank you for that…intel you so generously offered."

"Let me guess," she covered her mouth no longer able to control her yawn. "You wanna know how I knew, right?"

"Yes."

"Sorry, that's my secret, and right now you don't need to know it." She moved her hand to cut off the call when his words stopped her for a moment.

"I suppose I can deal with that for now, Commander, but know this I will find out how you knew. However, until then, just know I support you in your mission to rid the galaxy of Saren, and to stop the Reapers." Cigarette in hand again he blew out some smoke, his steely blue eyes watching her.

"Yeah, yeah…" She gave a slight smirk and disconnected laying her head on the desk before popping it back up her eye twitching and mouth agape. "Did he just…and I just…without threatening to kick his ass for it?"

_Teaches me to say 'bite me' to a guy like him when I'm tired…that dirty…perverted…argh!_

* * *

**Author's Note:** I am so sorry it took so long, with classes and my "editor" having migrains there was just no time. So once again, I'm sorry. On to other news, I have been thinking a lot lately pertaining to who Commander Shepard shall romance, and I've decided that I would like the readers to have a say as to whom that will be. As we all know the Mass effect universe has many suitable and lovable characters, figuratively and literally, so I've taken the list down to **Garrus**, **Javik**, the **Illusive Man**, and **perhaps Vega**. I did not add Kaidan because I haven't decided his fate as of yet, and I find Jacob to be a slightly boring character. With that said I'd appreciate if you would pm me or just leave a name in the reviews as to who you think it should be. As said, it'd be much appreciated...really really appreciated...heh...

**Edit: **A friend of mine went into a tirade because I didn't include **Grunt** on the list so I suppose I'll add him as well.


	6. 42

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Mass Effect or it's universe, kinda wish I did...that'd be awesome but alas not all wishes come true.

* * *

**42**

_~Those who are dead are not dead…they're just living in my head~_

_-Coldplay_

The Mess Hall was deserted and chillingly silent. Most of the crew was on the Citadel enjoying the short shore leave Shepard had approved. Though admittedly she had several missions to complete there to begin with and she also desired several moments of peace to mull over her thoughts. She didn't particularly find the metal seats comfortable, not that her metal desk chair with a thin cushioned seat was any better, but at least she was nowhere near the holo and its incessant buzzing. If it wasn't a councilor, it was Udina; if it wasn't him, it was someone with a pointless mission or worse…it was the Illusive Man calling, again, to inquire about the origin of her intel; at least Hackett had the decency to go through Joker first.

Sighing, she leaned back and closed her eyes, letting her mind replay the events of the last mission they went on.

**~…~…~**

_Tossing an anti-Thorian gas grenade she knocked out several colonists and killed a lot of creepers. This allowed her to blaze past the rest of the husk like creatures, leaving Garrus and Liara to dispose of them as she made her way to the console that would expose the only path to that damned plant beneath Zhu's Hope. She watched as the freighter was lifted before hearing a shuffling sound behind her. Turning quickly her eyes met Fai Dan, the leader of the colonists of Zhu's Hope. She watched as he struggled against inner forces not to lift the gun in his hand, behind her she could hear Garrus and Liara running over weapons ready. Shepard watched as he managed to raise the gun from her slowly and with great effort. Her subconscious remembering Fai Dan's intention quicker than her conscious state caused her body to lunge forward quickly and she pulled the gun away from his temple just as he pulled the trigger. Wrenching the gun from his grasp she smacked him across the face with it knocking him to ground, out cold. The Commander took one last look at Fai Dan before the three of them disappeared down the pathway._

_ She had honestly forgotten how big the Thorian was, and how damned annoying it was to dispose of the thing. Shepard found herself thankful that she had trained so relentlessly with Wrex, her body was no longer heavy and she was able to at least perform better in melee situations. Hell she had even swallowed her pride and asked Garrus for sniper rifle training, much to his surprise and her embarrassment. She found that she wasn't too bad a shot either, she wasn't near as good as Garrus but she could at least hold her own. The training that she truly enjoyed was teaching this body how to use a shotgun properly._

_ After an hour of dealing with multiple creepers and clones the three finally disposed of the Thorian, allowing the Asari Saren had used as a bargaining chip with the creature to be set free._

_ In truth Shepard had forgotten Shiala and the Prothean Cipher, and honestly she didn't want to experience the mind melding process again. However, as far as the others knew she didn't already know what the Prothean beacon's message was. So she bit the inside of her lip and let Shiala transfer the information. Trying hard to ensure she couldn't delve any deeper than that had taken a great deal of energy and she collapsed to one knee panting hard. She rubbed her brow and thought on the cipher and the message; and for the first time since she had been touched by the beacon, counting her own lifetime, she was able to see what the entirety of the message was. Without skips, or flashes, or blurry images, the message the beacons had tried to convey was like an intense memory…several intense memories in fact. She could feel, hear, smell, taste, and see everything as if she had lived it herself._

_ From beginning to end she was immersed in these memories and from beginning to end Shepard experienced death a thousand ways; observed the destruction of dozens of planets, and bore witness to the end of the Prothean Empire._

_ The vivid intensity of the message took its toll._

_ Garrus, Liara, and Shiala thought Shepard was having a seizure when she fell backwards, her eyes rolled back into her head and her body twitching violently. Until in an instant she stopped; she laid there unconscious. Liara radioed Joker to tell Chakwas to prepare the med bay and Garrus quickly scooped up the Commander. Both nodded a brief farewell to Shiala and the rest of Zhu's Hope, along with the several ExoGeni scientists that had made it out alive, and quickly returned to the Normandy._

_ Shepard had woken up hours later in the darkened med bay with Chakwas sitting at her desk, the small lamp on, pouring over charts and notes. When the good doctor had finally realized she was awake she began to ask her questions and perform tests, finding no immediate damage, she released the Commander with the same odd look in her eyes that Shepard had spotted many weeks before._

**~…~…~**

Shepard slowly fell asleep, as the recollection of the mission began to fade it was quickly replaced by the many memories if the Protheans. The smell of gore and smoke filled her nostrils as she watched beings, her mind interpreted as friends, be slaughtered. She could feel the oddly shaped gun in her hands and the sweat running down the sides of her face. The taste of the sweat was salty, slightly bitter, like any human's but had a somewhat spicy sweet aftertaste. Sounds of screams and the hum of the reapers rang in her ears. She fell to the ground wanting it to stop; she felt the tug of a hand as it dragged her out of the way of a beam. She was safe and the being that had helped her was standing before her shooting at monstrosities, but the tugging sensation didn't stop.

"Comma-"

"Shepa-"

She could hear a voice echoing around her amidst the chaos and the tugging only increased.

"Commander Shepard!"

Her eyes bolted open and she found herself sitting in an uncomfortable metal chair staring at crew sleeper pods, not on the ground with Reaper forces all around and otherworldly comrades dying. Breathing hard and feeling a tad light headed the Commander turned her attention to figure who had been shaking her shoulder.

"D-doctor?" She blinked a few times to focus on Chakwas' worried face.

"Are you alright, Commander?" The doctor questioned as she took a seat across from Shepard.

"Y-yeah…just a nightmare." She rubbed her temples a moment before shaking her head and staring at the older woman. "I thought you had gone ashore with the rest of the crew."

"I finished my business and now I'm back." Chakwas stated simply as she leaned back in the chair keeping her gaze on the younger woman. "How are you feeling, Shepard?"

"Been better…been worse." Shepard just shrugged as though that explained it all.

Chakwas merely nodded not removing her eyes before she rested her head on one hand her eyes narrowing, that odd look present again. "Pork Jerky?" Chakwas asked holding out a small bag.

"Heh, I didn't peg you for a jerky girl, Doctor." The Commander commented as she reached into the bag pulling out a strip.

"I had a sudden craving." Chakwas watched her slowly raise the jerky to her lips, her eyes narrowing further. "Strange."

Shepard lowered the strip without even tasting it to respond. "What's strange?"

Chakwas reached over and took the strip from the Commander and put it back in the bag setting it aside. The younger woman looked at her perplexed, and for several moments they stared silently at one another. Finally Chakwas lifted a datapad off her lap and set it on the table.

"Tell me who you are." Her eyes stayed lock with Shepard's. "And I'd advise not lying to me."

"I'm Commander Shepard…doc, are you testing me because I collapsed-"

"I don't know who you are but you're not her. I've known the Commander since the Skyllian Blitz, and you are no Commander Shepard."

Shepard's eyes widened slightly, she didn't think she had a relationship with anyone other than Anderson, and since he wasn't aboard the Normandy she hadn't worried about it. _Shit…she knows. And that look in her eyes spells murder… _Sighing, she ran a hand through her loose bangs and looked wearily at the doctor. _What harm can it do to tell her the truth? The worse that could happen is her not believing me and probably me ending drugged somehow, and locked up…_

"You're right. I'm not Commander Celia Shepard." She watched Chakwas lean back listening intently. "But you're also wrong…I am Commander Shepard. Commander Echo Shepard, orphan born on the streets of Los Angeles and survivor of Akuze."

The doctor looked at her perplexed for a moment before coming to the conclusion that she was telling the truth. However that didn't stop her from asking about it. "How can you be Commander Shepard?"

"I don't know honestly. All I know is that I…went through this before." She looked her dead in the eye. "Eden Prime, the beacon, Saren…all of it and more. However in the end nothing I did seemed to matter, I had to make a choice driven by ego and pride. I died, but then I woke up to familiar faces, in an unfamiliar body."

"And our Shepard? Is she in there with you?"

Shepard shook her head. "It's just me…sorry doc."

"I see, then she truly did die." Chakwas said softly looking off, a distant look in her eyes.

"Wait what?"Shepard stared at the woman. "What do you mean, she 'truly died'?"

Chakwas glanced back over at the younger woman. "The beacon on Eden Prime, whatever it did stopped her heart, from what you said I imagine in your…experience, it stopped yours as well. However our Shepard was dead for well over five minutes. I was about to declare death when suddenly brain activity began to fluctuate again and breathing returned."

"Why didn't you report it?"

"Why cause everyone to worry without all the facts? You had revived, and when you awoke I expected there to be damage, the way you reacted seemed natural actually, but until I knew for sure if there was permanent damage…why bother?" Chakwas stated calmly.

"I…suppose I see your point." Shepard bit the inside of her lip wondering if she did actually "die" in her time and her Chakwas simple decided it wasn't relevant.

"In fact," the doctor chuckled softly. "I found it rather remarkable that the only damage that seemed done was 'amnesia'."

"Surely just that wasn't what led you to believe I wasn't the same person." The younger woman sighed slightly gritting her teeth leaning back in the chair.

"Of course not. There were many things." Chakwas stated with another chuckle.

"Such as?"

"For one, Commander Celia Shepard never referred to me as doc." Shepard looked as though she was about to interject when Chakwas raised her hand, ceasing her complaint. "For another, looking at the brain scans between the two of you they are similar and yet vastly different. Your scan revealed that there was activity in areas of your brain that was underdeveloped in hers and vice versa. And yet there were areas that were exactly alike."

"That all?"

"Aside from the sudden personality shift?" The doctor gave a faint grin. "Commander Celia Shepard is allergic to pork. And for someone who seemed to recall everything from the time of the Skyllian Blitz to now you would've known this."

"This body is allergic to pork? So that whole thing with the jerky was a test?" She watched the doctor nod. "Wait; there are treatments to get rid of allergies."

"You can thank her, well your parents now, for that. They wanted her to have a 'normal' childhood, ones like the children of the late 20th and early 21st centuries. As time went by she confessed to me that if she had the allergy treated that she'd still feel compelled to reject pork, so she may as well keep it."

"Geez…" Shepard rubbed her temples trying to prevent the oncoming headache she could feel forming. With a heavy sigh she looked at the doctor. "So, what are you going to do?"

"About what?"

"Me."

"Hmm," the doctor stared at her for some time thinking on this before giving a soft sigh and a smile. "The Shepard we knew passed on, it's sad but such is the life of a soldier. You have her body so her legacy will continue on while yours has perished. A fitting trade, one could say. I see no reason to do anything really; you've done good work so far. I'd be depriving the Alliance and the galaxy of a great Commander if I reported this. Besides, no one would believe me."

_Hah…me great? No way._

"Believe me when I say, doc, I didn't leave much of a legacy behind the first go around. I rushed through everything; there was a lot of death…death that I could've prevented had I bothered to take the time. I'm not great; I'm just trying to fix my mistakes." The Commander bowed her head in shame.

"The fact that you're trying this time makes you great, Commander. Many would squander an opportunity like this." The doctor stood and walked over to Shepard placing a hand on her shoulder. "You're not alone in this anymore, Shepard. If you ever need to talk I'm here." She slowly retracted her hand only to have the Commander grip it in place.

With the haunting memories of her previous life surfacing again she looked at the doctor with pleading eyes.

Taking this as a sign for help, Chakwas sat back down and listened to the younger woman. Shepard spoke of the Prothean beacon, of the nightmares, and a little of the reapers. She told her everything she could without revealing too much of the future. The two conversed for several hours until Joker's voice rang out over the intercom simply to state that he was back aboard the ship and wishing that the toilets weren't on another deck of the Normandy.

**~ x ~**

Sweat drenched her body, rolling down her temples, running over her lips, its spicy sweet aftertaste staying on her tongue as she ran. Her eyes were blurry, her body aching. She looked down at the alien hand that held onto a bloody wound. Lifting the hand she flexed the vermilion stained fingers before returning the hand to the large laceration. Another alien hand, a different shade of green from her own, had a hold of her other arm pulling her along.

"Into the archives!" The alien hollered as they dragged her along. The voice was rich, deep, and definitely male. It reminded her of the only friend she had in the Tenth Street Reds. A Nigerian native who had come to Los Angeles in hopes of seeking a better life but was caught up in events beyond his control leaving him to join the gang. "Get to your stasis pod!"

"Commander, I must warn the future cycles. The beacon…I must get to it." The voice that escaped her lips was not her own but rather a male's. It was light, winded, and held the same accent that the other's possessed.

The alien dragging her along growled at the statement but said nothing until they were deep beneath the ground, in an area that reminded her of Ilos' archives. He released her arm and turned to her. Two pairs of yellow eyes, each with dual pupils, glared at her.

"Taavi, you are our only avatar of intelligence. The only scientist left on this planet. You must live!"

"My friend…" she coughed. "A warning must be left behind, for the next cycle. They must know the dangers that will-" shaking her head, taking in a sharp breath and exhaling, she quickly continued. "Of us all…you must survive, you will lead a new empire in the next cycle."

The other's face contorted before looking off, thinking on those words before reluctantly nodding. "You are right. So be it, I will meet you at the pods." He returned his gaze to her and gave a curt nod. She nodded in response and they clasped one another's arms.

"For the Empire!" Their voices rang out in the large tunnel-like area and echoed throughout the adjacent halls and passages as they parted ways.

She stumbled quickly down the tunnel, hand pressed hard on her wounded abdomen, breath staggered. A loud explosion sounded in the distance but it did not distract her as she rounded a corner, heading down a narrow hall. The hall seemed to stretch for an eternity, with nothing but bare walls in sight…the only color being the orangish-red trail she left in her wake. Another explosion occurred, though this one sounded closer than the other. A sense of urgency struck her and she picked up the pace. Finally she reached the end of the hall that emptied into a small chamber.

Standing before her was a nonfunctional Prothean beacon.

Making her way over she hurriedly activated it and grasped it, leaving bloody stains on the silver-white material as images rushed from her mind and into the device. Behind her she could hear the echoing of a third explosion; without hesitation she pulled her hands from the beacon and tottered back into the hall. The wall soon became her crutch as she limped along, her armor now soaked with blood. Her vision quickly began to blur, but still she walked.

In a matter of moments she reached her limit and collapsed to the ground, the wall now the only thing keeping her in a sitting position. Panting, she strained to see the end of the hall; unable to she pulled something from a pack at her side.

Her hand clenched tightly around the small object as a plasma blast shot past her head. Quickly she turned her head and peered at the other end of the hall; there a vast number of indoctrinated stood, weapons at the ready.

Gritting her teeth she struggled to stand.

The enemy forces must not have perceived her as much of a threat, for they did not fire again and leisurely made their way towards her. Coughing and teetering, but otherwise on her feet, she slowly limped towards them…one hand on her wound the other not releasing the item.

"I…cannot allow you to pass…" her thumb flipped the top of the small object without alerting the still gradually approaching indoctrinated agents. As one of the enemy agents reached her they drove a sharp implement through her gut and she fell against them giving a strangled chuckle. "Javik, my br-brother…y-you must…survive, f-fo-for the em-empire." The life slowly leaving her body she could feel a smirk on her lips as she pressed a button atop the item.

A shockwave erupted from her hand and a large explosion ripped through-

"STOP!" Shepard bolted up, the sheets clinging to her sweat drenched body.

Her chest heaving painfully fast, she fell back against her pillow and stared groggily up at the ceiling. She ran a hand through her soaked and knotted hair before staring at it, feeling as though it was still on fire…still in shreds. It dropped to her abdomen, heavy from exhaustion, and she winced biting hard on her lip to prevent from hollering out.

_Apparently my body didn't get the memo that it wasn't my memory…_

Clenching her jaw shut as she sat up, she leaned back against the headboard and rested her forehead in the palm of her hand. A shiver ran up and down her spine from the air dancing across the sweat on the back of her neck.

"God I miss the old nightmares, at least with them I couldn't comprehend what the hell was going on."

Sighing she stared forward thinking on the nightmare she just had.

_That makes what…the umpteenth time I've experienced death…_

She cursed under her breath and rubbed the back of her neck. Ever since she had received the cipher for a second time every memory of the Protheans she experienced ended in death. And every time she could feel it on an excruciating level.

"I've experienced that memory more so than the others…I wonder why..." she dwelled on it before a name popped into her head involuntarily.

_Javik_

"The Prothean who helped me…uh…Taavi? Why did his name come to mind?"

Shepard leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. His image flooded her thoughts. A crested head and a narrow face, almost angular in appearance with highly pronounced cheek bones. He had the most interesting set of lips she had ever seen, and it made her chuckle inwardly thinking how they seemed glued permanently into a frown. She thought about the bulky plated armor he bore, red and intricately designed she wondered how much shield strength they generated, if any at all. Mentally, her eyes traced from top to bottom back to his eyes and focused on them. The rage there, that yearning for the Reapers destruction…feelings she knew all too well. Part of it intrigued her, she wished she had known him but the other half, believing him dead, told her to forget and leave it be. Deciding to listen to the latter half she briefly stretched her arms before struggling to stand. Finally, when she felt balanced enough, she shuffled over to her desk to check her messages, yawning.

_Ad, ad, not important, Liara, ad-_

The Commander did a double take and stared at the heading from the message Liara sent her: 'Again thank you…' sighing she opened up the message and read through it.

'Shepard,

I wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me, but more so for your comforting words. I know I made it seem as though the loss of my mother was a trivial matter but you helped me to see that it was okay to miss her. To wish that I could've saved her. Thank you again, Shepard, for being a good friend when I needed one most.'

_I suppose…I should've expected this._

Sighing she ran her fingers through her bangs and stared at the screen. The Normandy had just departed from Noveria when she had finished updating the council. Following that annoying interruption, she and Liara had conversed for nearly three hours about the whole situation. Not long after that Chakwas commented on the Commander's lack of sleep, which she had been doing for several weeks ever since they had that oh so interesting conversation, and ordered her to try and get some.

_That worked out so well…_

Worn out she laid her head on the desk and wished a dreamless sleep would take her. When it didn't she stood and changed.

As she was adjusting the collar of her shirt, while walking to the elevator, Joker's voice chimed over the intercom.

"Commander, we have another call from Alliance control."

"Put him through, Joker." She stopped in her tracks and sighed leaning against the wall her arms crossed.

"Commander, we need your help."

_Why does that not surprise me…_

"What is it Admiral Hackett?"

"Someone is killing former Alliance scientists. There have been four deaths in the past month." Shepard's eyes narrowed slightly. "All four scientists worked on a classified project on Akuze. There was a brutal massacre there years ago. An entire unit was-

"Killed by thresher maws…" The Commander finished his statement and looked down.

"Yes, the dates coincide with the project whether or not there's any correlation remains to be seen."

"Don't worry, Admiral, I'll take care of it."

"I hoped you would, there was one other scientist on the project: Dr. Wayne. I'm transmitting his last known coordinates. Good luck. Fifth Fleet out."

Shepard rubbed her brow before staring off, a single name entering her mind.

_Toombs_

* * *

**Author's Note: **Again another long wait, my apologies, but with Midterms out of the way the next chapter shouldn't take too long...hopefully. ^^' Anyway on to Sehpard's romance options. The list has been narrowed down to **Javik** and **Garrus**, so that's always good...yeah. Well thanks for reading chapter 6.


	7. Fix You

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Mass Effect in any way, shape, or form.

* * *

**Fix You**

_~And the tears come streaming down your face…when you lose something you can't replace~_

_-Coldplay_

_"Shepard!" A voice called to her and she turned, her steely gray eyes meeting nearly black ones._

_ "Toombs…there something you need?" She crossed her arms about her chest, ebony bangs falling in her face as she peered at the Corporal._

_ The man grinned and held out a holo right in front of her nose. Shepard's eyes crossed for a moment while trying to gaze at it before she sighed and snatched the holopad up. Looking it over, she gave a faint smile._

_ "She yours?"_

_ "Nah…" the Corporal chuckled, giving a goofy grin before taking the pad back and lovingly gazing at the small child floating there. "She's my sister's kid, Irena. Isn't she the cutest thing you've ever seen?"_

_ "She's pretty cute alright; I should've taken that into consideration…too adorable to be your kid." She smirked, her eyes sparkling watching his face contort into one of mock offense._

_ "How you wound me!" The two grinned at each other before laughing softly. "I haven't seen her since she was a little baby." He looked at the image fondly. "My sis sent it to me as an invitation to visit them next leave."_

_ Shepard nodded slightly. "You should take her up on that offer…"_

_ "Yeah," she watched as he turned the pad off and placed it in his breast pocket. "I'm gonna take it wherever I go, it'll be my good luck charm." He gave her another goofy grin as a voice sounded over the comms._

_ "We'll be arriving at Akuze soon. ETA two hours."_

**~…~…~**

The Commander sat tapping her fingers on the desk as she stared at the screen before her. It had been nearly an hour since she called to speak with the smug prick only to have him put her on hold.

"Ass…he keeps calling me and when I call him he puts me on hold." Shepard continued to curse under her breath as the screen lets out a beep and there before her is the Illusive Man, with a smug smile on his lips. "About time you bastard…"

He simply chuckled before taking a drag of his cigarette and blowing out soft white smoke. "So…what can I help you with, Commander?"

"I assume you've gotten reports of a couple of your scientists being murdered." She watched his expression hoping to catch some crack in that conceited poker face of his.

"Perhaps. Why, do you know something on the matter?"

"Maybe…"

"Do you intend on dealing with the culprit behind these murders?" He watched her intently noticing a far off look in her eyes.

"I'm not gonna kill him if that's what you're asking…" She gave him a glare then sighed. "I actually called to see if you minded whether the Scientist survived or not."

The Illusive Man found himself taken slightly aback by this. He peered at her for some time blowing out smoke. "That's not very hero-like of you Commander Shepard…"

"I never claimed to be a hero, Tim, I'm just a human Spector trying to protect the galaxy from giant robotic squids, amongst other things." Her eyes narrowed as she peered at him scenes of the Citadel and Thessia speeding through her mind.

"Then why bother with a couple of murdered scientists? Can't your Alliance focus on them while you focus on finding Saren?" He took a slow deep drag of his cigarette not once removing his eyes from hers.

"I know where he's holding up…"

"Do you now?" Blowing out smoke he watched her before taking a drink of his scotch. "And how do you know where he is while I and the Council do not?"

"Doesn't matter…the point is I know exactly where-"

"Then why haven't you dealt with him yet?"

_Because I'm stalling…_

"I need to make sure I'm ready." She responded curtly, her arms crossing about her chest.

"And when do you plan to be ready, Commander?"

_When I've figured out a way to save both Kaidan and Ashley…_

"Soon…"

The Illusive man sighed at her reluctance to answer and rubbed his brow. Deciding it was best not to trouble her further on the subject he switched topics. "I do not care what you do with Dr. Wayne, Shepard, just do what you believe is best."

The Commander nodded and quickly cut the call off, staring at the blank screen for a moment. The last time she went through this, she had let Toombs kill the bastard; however, the look of utter anguish in the corporal's eyes always burdened her. That and the fact he killed himself not even a moment later. It was one of those moments seared into her memories; the type she imagined would be transferred to a beacon if she were actually a Prothean.

This time she wondered if she should try to stop him from pulling the trigger altogether. _But then would anyone actually believe him? What would happen to the scientist? Could he be convinced to testify? Though…I know Timmy wouldn't actually let Cerberus take the fall for Wayne getting caught. _She needed a way for Wayne to get what's coming to him but spare Toombs in the process. Biting the inside of her lip and she laid her head on the desk. _Maybe I should just shoot him, but I-this Shepard has no reason to and she's…well, she's a much better person than me._

Cursing under her breath she slowly typed on her omni-tool, waving it over the screen and she sat there waiting, staring at it. In a matter of minutes there was a response and there he was once again, sitting there mildly amused.

"Forget something?" He had finished his cigarette but was still on his glass of scotch.

"…I need a favor…"

**~x~**

Shepard made Liara and Wrex lower their weapons as she watched the Corporal and the Scientist.

"He's a madman, help me please!" Wayne pleaded as he turned his gaze to the Commander, though only briefly as he was still very much aware of gun being held inches away from his crooked nose. "Mr. Toombs you're insane, you need help!" The Scientist raised his hands in defense too afraid to take a step backward.

"It's Corporal! Corporal Toombs! And you don't get to lie anymore! Today it all comes out!"

Shepard hesitated seeing him like this again; the words couldn't form and in her mind all she saw was the barrel of the gun to his temple and him pulling the trigger. She swallowed hard trying to shake it away.

"What do you mean? What happened to you, Corporal?" Liara questioned as Shepard stared, inwardly glad she had brought along the curious Asari for this one.

The three listened as Toombs recalled the incident on Akuze, about his time in captivity, and all the cruel things the scientists had done to him. He spoke of terror-filled memories and while Wayne dared to deny the accusations and Wrex made a faint scoff, Shepard's hand clenched tightly into a fist for she knew all too well of the nightmares the Corporal spoke of.

"Toombs…please…" Her plea was but a whisper as she peered up at the man whose expression held a rage-filled sneer instead of his usual goofy grin. His eyes wet with tears he was no longer capable of shedding, hand trembling as he held the gun to the Scientist's head. For the first time she knew why this memory haunted her so badly, Toombs wasn't a murderer. He was a soldier and an avenger, when the time called for it, but never a murderer…especially if there were another way out.

"This…" his knuckles were white as he clenched his gun tighter. "This is for my unit!" The Commander lunged forward and grabbed his wrist, thrusting it upward causing the bullet to narrowly miss Dr. Wayne. "What the-"

Shepard used her free hand to point to the fleeing Scientist. "Wrex!"

Wrex held out his arm and chuckled as the Scientist ran straight into it falling to the ground, he then preceded to point his shotgun between his eyes. "Try to escape again, I dare ya."

Toombs tried to free his wrist from her grip, his mind focused only on Wayne and the vengeance he desired. She kept his arm up her other hand pressing against his chest to keep him at bay. As she did this, she felt a lump in the breast pocket of his armor and something clicked in her head. Immediately she pulled out the holopad, knowing it would be there.

"Toombs stop! Don't do this, you're not a murderer! Stop! For Irena's sake if nothing else!" She activated the holopad, the image slightly damaged but still visible.

The Corporal stared at the petite woman before him in shock before peering at the picture of the smiling little girl. He dropped his gun and grasped at the holopad falling to his knees bringing Shepard down with him. Silent tears streamed down his face as he rested his head on her shoulder.

"Y-you're right, Shepard. I'm no murderer…j-just make sure the bastard goes to trial."

_That's already being taken care of as we speak Toombs…I promise he will pay…_

"I will see to it that he does." She patted his back and watched him stare down at the image of Irena. "Maybe you should finally accept that invitation from your sister and I'll make sure the Alliance takes good care of you."

"How-" he stopped midsentence. He wanted to know how she knew of the picture, of Irena's name, and his sister's invitation…but part of him was too afraid to ask and the other half didn't care, she had stopped him from going down a road he'd never return from and for that he was grateful. "M-maybe they'll fix me…maybe the screaming will stop now. I don't kn-know."

Shepard's eyes grew distant in this moment; she knew the screaming would never stop. "Even if it doesn't, you have to keep on going. For the sake of your men and for that of your family…"

The corporal nodded keeping his forehead against her, trembling just a little. "I will, Commander Shepard."

She returned the nod and turned on the comm link. "Joker, tell the Fifth fleet we need a ship for pick-up."

"On it, Commander." Joker's voice chimed for a brief moment.

Shepard and Toombs stayed in that position as they waited. She didn't want to leave him behind, and even though she was supposed to act like she didn't know the man she couldn't do it. He was her close friend, someone she had suffered through basics with and drank with on shore leave. They had shared a decontamination shower with another of their friends after the three had blown up a spore pod while on mission. He knew she hated being woke up and she knew that he sang loudly, and off-key, while prepping and cleaning his weapons. They were the two amigos, and that was something she could never forget.

Finally the Alliance arrived and several soldiers walked into the room to escort Dr. Wayne and Corporal Toombs to their ship. She watched him leave, seeing some relief in his eyes. A small smile etched across her lips.

_Maybe, just maybe, that'll be one less nightmare…_

"Hey, Shepard." She broke from her thoughts and stared at the large Krogan addressing her. "You know him or something?"

"I did once, a long time ago." She stated softly looking back forward.

"It seemed he didn't recognize you at all, Commander." Liara said with the slightest cock of her head.

"That's one of the sacrifices you make, Liara, when you're trying to save the galaxy."

The Commander walked on ahead, lost in her memories, as Liara and Wrex exchanged looks of confusion before following after her.

**~ x ~**

Shepard rubbed the bridge of her nose and yawned as she sat at her desk. Dark circles clung beneath her bloodstained eyes. She had been right about not dreaming of that nightmare; however, it was quickly replaced with more of the Protheans. Nearly an entire week of endless nightmares combined with trying to find solutions to Virmire and you get one overly exhausted, not to mention frustrated, Shepard.

The screen began to ring and blink before she mashed the accept button and rubbed her eyes.

"You look terrible." The voice was dark and warm as it seeped into her ears.

"Stuff it, Smokey." She growled, attempting to glare at him as best she could. "I haven't been sleeping well."

"Miss your Corporal that much?" A picture of Toombs laying his forehead on her shoulder and her comforting him popped up on the screen beside his video link. "You two make a lovely pair for people who had never met before that day."

"If I didn't know any better I'd say you were jealous." She stared at the image intently before her head began to throb. Closing her eyes she leaned back in her chair. "So you're stalking me now?"

"I prefer to call it observation. After all, there was a monitor there and it was a Cerberus facility." He slowly lit a cigarette and took a deep drag before blowing a white plume of smoke onto the screen. "So I assume you two aren't romantically involved then?"

"Why so curious?" She wanted to see his face, but she we too tired to open her eyes, even too tired to try and imagine it.

Ignoring her question, he examined her. Going slowly from the dark circles to the small bruised pinch marks on her arms, as though trying to keep herself awake, then to her mildly chapped lips straight to the slight tremor of her hands. The Illusive man had seen this before in those who had experienced great horrors, from people who were either too afraid to sleep or too consumed with worries of what the future might bring to even try.

"You need to try to rest, Shepard."

"Sure, because right now sleep will fix all my problems…" Shepard made a face, her eyes refusing to open.

"I'm simply suggesting a means to help you-"

"You mean fix me, like I'm some fragile broken doll." She scowled slightly.

"If you prefer, yes to fix you. You're no good to the galaxy if you keel over from exhaustion." She gritted her teeth for brief moment before it made her head throb again, then she faintly nodded with a sigh. "Go to Illium, I know a hotel that has the best spa treatments around. And I'm sure it'll help."

"I can't, I'm running out of time-" she stretched and yawned bringing on tears before she wiped them away as she rubbed her eyes again. "If I live through this business with Saron, I may take you up on that offer."

He nodded and took a drink of his bourbon. "Also, as you requested, Dr. Wayne is going away for a very long time. Kahoku and I saw to that."

"Thank-" yawning again she sighed heavily, giving up.

"Go get some sleep."

"You're not the boss of me yet. Don't order me around." She said with a small grimace.

"Yet?" An eyebrow cocked as he watched her. Her eyes shot open and she looked at him with mild surprise and apprehension. A moment of silence passed between them as Shepard tried to recover from her mistake.

"Forget I said anything." With that she quickly disconnected the call and sat staring down at the many scribbled notes on her desk.

_Dammit…_

* * *

**Author's Note: **Well...heh...sorry it took so long. I had writer's block and then...other things came up, but here it is at least. Hope you enjoyed it. ^^


	8. Sacrifice

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Mass Effect in any sense really...though I do own copies of the games and the DLC that goes along with it but otherwise nothing else...okay end of disclaimer ramble...

* * *

**Sacrifice**

_~So would you stand your ground, when walls come falling down? Cause you know you've always got to make a sacrifice…~_

_-DJ Hixxy_

Chakwas returned to the medical bay after having tended to the Major and what was left of his forces. She sighed when she saw the Commander still leaning against the wall staring at Kaidan's immobile form. Admittedly the doctor was not all that surprised to find her there, not after what happened with Saren just a few hours ago.

"Still here I see." She commented, barely receiving a glance from Shepard. Shaking her head, she was about to tell the younger woman to get some rest but stopped when she heard the Commander sigh heavily.

"Doc, tell me something," she kicked off the wall and ran a hand through her loose coppery red bangs. "Have you ever had to play god?"

"God, Shepard? Didn't take you for the type."

"God, Goddess, Spirits…a higher power, Chakwas. Doesn't matter what it's called, you understand the question." She peered at the older woman intently.

With a sigh the doctor shook her head. "If you're referring to having to choose between who lives and dies…I've never had such an occurrence present itself to me but I have seen the effects of such a decision in colleagues and friends." The doctor was staring just as keenly back at the Commander as though telling her of who she meant.

Shepard's gaze grew dark a moment, recalling all the events she's ever had to make such a choice before breaking the stare and peering down at her feet, hands tight at her side now. "I hope you never have to make such a decision."

"Is this about Virmire? Listen, Commander, you can't save everyone."

Shepard bit her lip at this as she recalled yesterday, just before infiltrating Saren's research facility.

**~…~…~**

_"Thank you for calming the Krogan. The assault on the facility will be difficult enough as it is." Kirrahe stated as he watched the Commander approach._

_ "Assault, so you have a plan then?" Shepard crossed her arms; she already knew what his plan was…and what he was about to ask of her._

_ "Of sorts. We can convert our ship's drive system into a twenty-kiloton ordinance. Crude-"_

_ "But effective." She finished, he simply nodded._

_ Ashley grinned slightly at this. "Nice, drop that nuke from orbit and Saren can kiss his Turian ass goodbye."_

_ "The facility seems too well fortified for that to work." Shepard stated knowing that it was Kirrahe's response._

_ "Which means," Kaidan's voice faded for a moment before he sighed. "The bomb will have to be placed inside somewhere."_

_ "Yes, at the farthest end of the facility. I believe your ship can drop it off, but those AA guns will need to be dealt with, along with the ground forces."_

_ Shepard could hear the two soldiers behind her shifting in the sand; she knew they both were thinking the same thing. "So we're going in on foot then…"_

_ The Major nodded. "I'm splitting my men into three teams; we'll attack the front while your 'shadow' team sneaks in through the back."_

_ "It's suicide you'll all be killed." Alenko stated his arms crossing over his chest, a worried expression gracing his features._

_ Again Kirrahe nodded. "We're tougher than we look…but it's true I don't expect many of us will make it out alive." He looked into Shepard's eyes not breaking contact. "And that makes what I'm going to ask even more difficult."_

_ "You need one of my men to help you…" the Commander stated blandly her mouth suddenly dry, her heart heavy. If her lack of sleep hadn't been obvious to the Major before, it was now. He could see the dark circles clinging beneath her eyes, her face more sullen than the holos and vids he had seen of her. He was about to retract his request when he caught her nodding slowly. "I understand…you'll need someone who knows Alliance communication protocols."_

_ She was lost in her thoughts as the two behind her began to argue amongst themselves. Both wanting to go, neither wanting the other to risk it. Her eyes never left the silent Salarian standing before her, and either out of respect or caution his own eyes never left hers._

_ After several moments Shepard cursed softly, though not soft enough as both Alenko and Williams ceased their endless bickering and stared at their commanding officer with mild shock. She just shook her head._

_ "Take Williams." The Commander looked over her shoulder at the Gunnery Chief. "No heroics, got it?"_

_ "Aye, aye, Commander!"_

_ "Very well, I'll have the ordinance loaded onto the Normandy and brief your crew on its detonation sequencing. If you don't have any questions, Commander, I will give you all a moment before we begin."_

**~…~…~**

Shepard rubbed the back of her neck, weary from the events that occurred on Virmire more so than her lack of sleep. The doctor watched her and leaned back against her desk.

"Commander, the life of a soldier is one filled with the possibility that death may be lying in wait around any corner. Everyone who accepted this mission knew the risks."

The Commander exhaled heavily knowing it was true; her eyes returning to Kaidan, watching as his chest slowly rose and fell. "I just can't stand knowing what's to come, and not being able to prevent it…it's a terrifying thought."

"Like with Virmire?" Chakwas stared at Shepard waiting for a response. When none came she continued. "As I said they all knew the risks. Kirrahe's men, Alenko, even Williams…all of them were willing to sacrifice themselves for the galaxy, just as you were. Just as you still are."

"I know," another sigh escaped her lips. "I had just hoped that this time around I could save-"

"Everyone?" Shepard grew silent. Chakwas could see the years of loss on her face; honestly, it amazed her that the young woman could keep on going at all. Then again she suspected that it was this loss that drove her, that kept her going. She continued to watch the Commander before turning her attention to Alenko. "Tell me Shepard, did you make the right choice this time around? Was there even a choice to be made?"

"Believe me, doc, there's always a chance to play god, always some sort of difficult decision to be made."

"Yes, I suppose that's true when you're trying to save the galaxy." Shepard simply nodded and rubbed her brow before looking at her. "But what about Virmire, Commander? What sacrifice did you have to make there?"

The younger woman looked from her to Kaidan then down at her hands. "No matter our choices we all make sacrifices, doc. And no matter what those choices are or how different those choices may be…there's always a chance that nothing changes…"

**~…~…~**

_"Alenko," she gripped the front of Kaidan's armor and pulled his face close to hers causing him to blush faintly. Her eyes were intense and very serious. "When you arm that bomb, you make sure Tali and Wrex are with you. Do you understand?"_

_ He wanted to argue that he didn't need help arming the ordinance but the expression on her face made him falter._

_ "Y-yes, ma'am."_

_ With that she released him and motioned to Liara and Garrus to get ready, as she did this she looked to Kirrahe and nodded that the mission could begin._

_ As the Shadow team made its way to the facility, Shepard tried to recall if it took so long the last time to get there. Though she suspected she didn't bother to stop and help out Kirrahe's men along the way. Once they infiltrated the facility she released an imprisoned Salarian and left the rest who were indoctrinated inside their cells, spared an Asari researcher, and once again approached the second Prothean beacon._

_ In truth, she really didn't want to have her mind probed and invaded again with visions she had already seen a million times over and a million times again, but seeing as she had no logical explanation to give the Asari Archeologist and Turian C-SEC officer behind her as to why she wasn't activating the beacon, she had no choice but to stand there and take the mental barrage of visions and memories._

_ She felt her feet leave the ground as the power of the beacon lifted her up, a small wave of energy flooded from the ancient piece of technology causing her head and arms to fling back as her eyes rolled back in her head. Though her body felt compacted and she struggled to breathe, Shepard was relieved to find that the mind meld wasn't as painful as it was in previous times. Before she knew it she was back on the ground. She shook her head and staggered forward causing Liara to reach out gripping her arm to ensure she didn't fall over before she nodded to her friend that she was well enough to walk on her own._

_ The Commander was practically out the door before both Garrus and Liara stopped her and motioned to the red hologram of Sovereign. Honestly, she didn't want to interact with it; she despised the giant squid and all it symbolized, but like before she felt she couldn't deviate from the script she was reliving. Reluctantly she walked over to the image and gritted her teeth when it began to speak. Shepard just glared as she let Liara ask most of the questions. Only when Sovereign stated it was pointless to fight did she finally break her silence._

_ "Listen to me you overgrown squid." Her eyes dark, "I will find a way to destroy you and all other Reapers, you can count on it!"_

_ Whether insulted or annoyed, she didn't know or care, Sovereign offered no response but instead simply killed the feed._

_ "Uh…Commander? I don't know what you did down there but that ship, Sovereign, just pulled a turn that would shear any of our ships in half…"_

_ "Good going, Commander, you pissed off the squid." Garrus chuckled faintly as the three rushed from the room._

_ Despite all she knew was about to happen, she smiled at his comment._

**~…~…~**

"Are you saying you did something this time around you hadn't before?" The Doctor peered at the younger woman watching her closely.

Shepard nodded and looked back at her. "I did…"

"And nothing changed? Something was still sacrificed?"

She found the memory flooding back to her mind again and lost herself in it.

**~…~…~**

_"The Geth have us pinned down here, Commander! We've taken heavy casualties!"_

_ "Hold on, Williams, help is on the way!" Shepard looked at Kaidan who was arming the bomb. "Alenko look sharp! I want you, Liara, and Garrus to go get the Gunnery Chief and her platoon."_

_ "What about the bom-"_

_ "Tali will finish arming the ordinance. Wrex and I will cover her." She looked at him and he reluctantly nodded, then she peered at Liara who gave her a worried expression before nodding as well. When she glanced at Garrus he gave her a determined look before the three took off to retrieve Ashley._

_ "Not that I'm complaining but why not go yourself, Shepard?" Wrex questioned looking at her._

_ "I have a feeling I should stay here." She readied her weapon and watched the sky standing in front of Tali. Wrex found this an adequate response while Tali worked quickly on the bomb. Minutes passed and there he was, flying his way to their location. Without faltering Shepard looked back at Tali. "We'll cover you just make sure that bomb is ready and don't you dare activate it until I give the order!"_

_ "Yes, Commander!" Tali hollered still working on arming it._

_ The next moments were filled with ammunition flying through the air as a familiar voice rang over the radio._

"_Commander. Come in Commander…" Joker's voice sounded rushed._

"_I'm here Joker did you get Ashley and her platoon?"_

"_Yes, not all of Kirrahe's forces survived but Ashley's fine with minor injuries…Kaidan on the other hand was knocked out cold by a blast."_

"_He still-"_

"_He's alive Commander." _

_With this she gave Tali a discrete motion to activate the nuke, now all they needed to do was hold off Saren's assault._

_ Several small grenades flew passed her knocking Tali back against Wrex and into some crates. Shepard looked back before feeling her shields being struck and looked forward in time to see a rocket heading her way, she rolled to the side and Saren took this opportunity to step off his platform and make his way over to her. Before he could reach her he felt a bullet hit his shields and turned to see Ashley standing there, her gun aimed at his head. However, he dodged her next bullet by rolling out of the way and as both he and Shepard recovered at the same time he drew his weapon on the injured Gunnery Chief. Seeing that Williams's shields were down, and that her own gun was overheated, the Commander made a rash decision._

_As Saren pulled the trigger Shepard jumped in the bullet's path, it struck her helmet and all went black..._

**~…~…~**

"Well?" Chakwas pressed staring at the Commander, noting that blood was beginning seep through the bandages over Shepard's right eye.

"Was something sacrificed?" Shepard repeated the doctor's question. "Yes." She placed a hand over the bandages and winced looking down. "Did nothing change?" She grinned as Ashley walked through the door, a look in her eyes asking if she interrupted something. Shepard looked at Chakwas a peace in her eye the doctor was not used to seeing. "No, a lot changed…and it was a sacrifice well given. You're right Chakwas, I can't save everyone…but I'll be damned if I don't try every single time, no matter the consequences."


End file.
